Wiggle room

So I just spent the past 30 mins reading all different post’s on what is good to eat and what’s not and also the superfood’s and all that jazz and I am happy to report I think they are satisfactory and I’m happy with what they class as superfoods but to be honest, I do sit her wondering to myself why the fudge I do it to myself (just for the record fudge isn’t included!!) I actually don’t know why I’m writing this today as I had an office day to get some paperwork done but also introduced myself to my new workplace (those that were in) as I start a new little adventure in a few weeks and so spent pretty much the whole day looking at a screen and then come home and do the same before heading out tonight!

My new job is a little bit strange really, it’s a total God thing but to be fair I don’t understand why I’m doing it. The job in which it is for has been in the forefront of my mind for a while but I didn’t expect to actually do it.

I had a plan, I was going to stay in my previous job until I had a baby and then I was going to hand my notice in whilst I was on maternity and try and work elsewhere and continue being part time but was thinking of being more part time then I was so like 2 days a week or something like that.

To cut a long story short (can’t be bothered to type it all up) I got a new job, which I didn’t even know was being advertised for and it was someone else who wanted to chat to me about applying who mentioned it and I just felt a little interested and so applied too. Please don’t think I went into mega ninja stealth mode and applied behind their back, I did ask them if they were OK for me to apply too and in the end I got it and they didn’t even get an interview which believe me is MEGA AWKWARD but then I also got this position which means that I get a high qualification and have a pretty good road mapped out ahead for me career wise BUT that was never my plan!!

I was happy to stay somewhere I was unhappy with, where I had more boring days then happy days and also a job in which I dreaded come Sunday evening because in my crazy head I knew it was worth holding onto until I fell pregnant due to the maternity benefits and plus it was only 3 days a week.

So I’ve gone into this new job- oh it is also full time and then my newest job coming up is going to be extremely hard core and intensive for the next year, fab and then let’s chuck in all this fertility treatment stuff which is also mega stressful and you have a perfect concoction that leaves me thinking WHY??!!??

Why have I been lead on the path I am embarking on now??

I like to be planned and organised as much as possible and I always had this idea in my head that when I fell pregnant I would be able to focus on the pregnancy as much as possible, mark and celebrate all the little milestones, take lighter duties at work and then once the baby was born I would be able to spend as much time as possible with the child, go back to work maybe 2 days a week and put them in minimal day care and then be this baking, home cooked, organic, eco mother warrior galore!

Ah how that makes me laugh a little now but also feel a little bit sad as I know the reality will be far from that!!

My reality now is that I won’t be able to focus on the pregnancy as much when it happens because at the moment for that year my career is going to need to take priority to an extent and I am also going to need to work pretty much full time to establish my career so that I can make a better future for us all.

This all became even more of a realistic thing this morning when I got out the car and realised I had some white dried on substance (of the dairy/soya/coconut kind) on my black jeans when I got out the car and was like searching crazy for some wet wipes to wipe it off with. In my head I was like “ha, you wait until that is baby sick, snot or dried milk and your gonna need to do the sniff test to discover what it is- this is a glimpse of a working mum

Then it was even more of a snippet as I went to work absolutely shattered giving the fact that the kitten we are looking after kept waking me up in the night to from what I could gather have a frigging chat and play and so I had this teeny thing stealing my sleep just like a baby would and then I locked the cat in the hall after 4 hours of being woken every 25 mins, unlike what I would do to a baby!! To make it even more realistic- the husband didn’t hear the kitten and I am being told this also happens when I baby comes onto the scene!!

Right there and then, I had a snippet of my future!!

I then spent the rest of the day thinking about gin!! Seriously, the thought of gin and the weekend has got me through today!

Plans are great in theory, unless you are totally about them being set in stone and NEVER changing then maybe you should think about if plans are for you.

I personally have had to learn that any plans I make have an 80% chance of changing and I used to find this really annoying and frustrating at the beginning. I used to have a mental and heart hissy fit where I would be like THIS IS NOT CHANGING I MADE A PLAN!!!! But when things are taken out of your control you learn you don’t have a choice.

There was quite a period of time when I was extremely sick within the past 5 years when I couldn’t make a plan, the only think I could count on was that the sun was going to come up the next day and those stars were going to eventually twinkle in the night sky.

In making plans, usually the first thing you plan on doing that morning is waking up and getting up- I couldn’t even plan that, I could not tell you from one day to the other if I would be able to physically get out of bed. Sounds extreme I know, but that was my reality.When that happens you have to learn that plans can change, that was a season in my life when I made no plans what so ever but it is also a season in which God sustained me and I can confidently say that I have come through that season and I am a million miles from that season but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a flare up and be back there again but we are trusting God that season is over.

Sometimes knowing you can’t really do anything to change the situation does not help in the slightest and that’s when frustration sets in and also when the human mind as such takes over. This whole journey we are on as a married couple, always being asked when we are going to have kids is tough and I have struggled immensely and some days are so, so tough to put one foot in front of the other and I just want a time machine to go forward 5 years and see if the heart ache, the brokenness, the faith battle is actually going to be worth it.profound worship

Some days the plans that I made are so, so far from reality and what I can see happening that I just don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing, Why I’m doing it and when I am going to stop doing it… I literally just don’t know what to do or how to do it and in those days you just merely exist rather than live.

Those are some of the most frustrating times and at home I am not a joy to be around because I am as sharp and as grumpy as can be and the majority of time my sarcastic side comes out to battle, and oh what a battle she conducts! cant deicde

I am so glad that I am in a place where I can now make and the majority of the time stick to the plans with a bit of wiggle room. Wiggle room can be joyous and I have learned to love wiggle room because some times it turns out better than anticipated and the original plans! I Just need to remind myself of that often.

I am blessed enough to be having plans that I am really looking forward to, a little get away with the husband, dinners out with friends, attending weddings but above all… getting a bottle of gin after work tomorrow as its payday (please don’t judge me, it will last me over a month) Woooooooo!!!

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A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

I kind of have this slight love affair with the stars. Stars are amazing and its not been a new love, I remember when I was younger star gazing was one of my favourite activities to do with my best friend.

I remember we were on holiday and it was a clear night and so we got all the blankets out, wrapped up with ALL the layers we could physically wear (kind of like a Joey from friends situation) and went out and laid on the soggy grass to look up at the stars and just chat and dream.

You see, for me stars are a hope. These God placed, God breathed balls of gas give me hope. To me they symbolise beauty in the darkest of situations. Many people fear darkness, many people fear the night but for me there is comfort because it is never truly dark, the night is never truly pitch black because if you look up there is a wealth of stars (unless your in the UK and then you may just have a wealth of clouds) but things on this Earth come and go, things change, situations get better and worse but one thing that won’t change are the stars.

I absolutely adore this line of a poem from ‘The Old Astronomer To His Pupil’ by Sarah Williamssarah williams

You see the stars are a bit like God. Things on earth are ever changing, situations come and go but the one constant thing that will never change is God and it is all through the scriptures, it has been documented all through time about God and people have their own opinions on what God is, just like stars. Although I have never met anyone who denies stars exist!lion king stars

No matter what’s happening on the earth and no matter what changes or what disaster happens the one thing we know for certain is that when the natural light starts to get low this is when the stars come out. When darkness starts to consume the earth the stars are there, burning away and giving some light. Darkness can consume the majority of things but it can’t consume stars. It can’t consume hope, faith and grace. It can’t consume God but believe me it has a flipping good attempt and sometimes those stars are really hard to see.

I remember it was a Friday and I was at work and we had a quiet spell as it had gone past the cut of point for people to come and we just had to get through those that were there. They were all waiting for other members of the team to see them, and so I decided to call and get my blood results for that really expensive blood test that measures the ovarian reserve and basically measures fertility. I was a little bit excited but was also confident that it would be fine because we had been told that if that is good then it makes everything easier and it is normally fine for someone my age in the majority of circumstances, I had a good feeling.

I could just imagine it, the results would be fine, there was nothing wrong with me and it was just a timing thing. The results are going to be ok, maybe a little low but OK!!

So I called up and gave my details. It was only when they kept asking me for my name and date of birth about 3 times as well as getting me to confirm my age that something within me just didn’t feel right.

Umm, Ok Mrs …, I can call you that or would you prefer your first name? Ok, so for someone your age, 27, your levels should be between 17-54, that’s the normal levels for a 27 year old roughly. OK? and yours is 3.03. That is low even for a menopausal women let alone someone who is 27. We will discuss it with you more at your next appointment which I can see is in 2 and a half months time”

I simply thanked her and hung up. I had a split second when I didn’t know what to do, someone walked into the bay I was in and took one look at me and I quickly made an exit into the staff room, tears started burning my face. You know how some people say that they got some news that made them feel physically sick? Well I was always like “aww I’m so sorry that must of felt awful” but I never really knew how awful it would feel, I just imagined it not really being a feeling until that moment. That’s when I knew what it felt like, it isn’t just awful its horrid and one of the worse feelings going! Even to this day, when I think of that and even now as I type I can feel it. A deep routed feeling of dread and your stomach turns and It’s something you can’t really explain, I just hope the majority of people never experience it.

3.03…Is a number I hate, its a number that fills me with absolute dread even to this day. This was the one thing I was banking on being ok. After my other blood tests and learning my progesterone was under 1, I was hoping my AMH wouldn’t let me down.

I was sent home from work as I looked awful and I remember calling up my mum and sobbing on the way home. She apologised so much, told me she wished things were different for me but I just sobbed. Nothing apart from the number 3.03 was going through my head and the thought that I was going to throw up at any time.

I cried and I cried and I lost hope and I felt absolutely devastated. I was scared, I was doubting God, I didn’t understand. It’s then that it all really sunk in, it was an internal disaster.

I felt like my world crumbled around me.

I wanted to be able to have children with no medical intervention. I wanted a much welcomed ‘surprise’ after a weekend away or maybe a little too much to drink. I always imagined peeing on that stick because I didn’t feel right and it being positive and putting my plans into action to let him know he was going to be a daddy. To phone my best friend and be so excited because I was pregnant and make baby shower plans and go a little over the top with her and be like this is how I am going to tell him.

Naturally, that is what I want and what I pray for, natural.

At my next appointment the results were discussed and due to the results the consultant informed me that more than likely we are looking at IVF and also time is very important and we need to get all other things sorted for the best outcome. This would also involve me needing a procedure to look in my womb because there were concerns that the lining was getting thicker despite me bleeding and having awful periods but there was a high risk due to my medical history and also due to how think the lining was and so he could only refer me to one person and she may not be able to do it. He was doing all he could to avoid me needing another surgery.

I walked out of that room feeling numb. I knew I had things to do like loose weight to get my BMI down to a particular level for treatment but I felt numb.

This is the best way to explain it, as I wrote in my journal at that time…

“To be totally honest, this place I find myself in- it’s not very starry but it is a clear night. You can see your breath in the air as your body and soul yearn to know who’s taken the stars but above all your gripped. You can’t see who or what is gripping you but it’s flipping terrifying. There are so many people around you but you feel alone and the grip doesn’t ease. it’s scary and the only reason you know it’s real is because you can see your breath, you have a pulse. They are the only two things that make you know, let you know that you and this situation are undoubtedly REAL”

I had the appointment for the hysteroscopy but it was too high risk as my womb was full of adhesions that looked like thick cobwebs and also it was really painful and there was a massive risk of perforation which would require emergency surgery, so she stopped it there and then but did manage to get a biopsy. Surgery was my next step and I wasn’t too thrilled about it.

I had my next appointment which I was basically told all I knew and I need surgery and he is listing me as urgent and also that I needed another scan and endometrial biopsy which he did there and then. I had the surgery within about 3 weeks in which they did a D&C (where they scrape away the lining), another biopsy and also some polyps removed and now I am just waiting for my next appointment at the end of October.

To be totally honest this experience so far has broken me, It has torn me apart and I have had to battle so hard to not let it destroy my faith, tear my marriage apart and also some friendships. I have chosen to be very selective who I tell what is happening and keep them updated on the progress of things and also very selective who I tell my innermost thoughts to and that has affected a few of my friendships.

The worse thing about this whole journey is you begin to despise yourself. You hate yourself for not being able to bear children for your husband when you know that is his biggest want in all the world, you hate yourself when you see him playing with other peoples children.

I must say we are so blessed to have friends who trust us so much with their children, and it does in the strangest way make the journey a little bit easier at times. Knowing you have these little treasures you can pour your energy into at that time but then at other times you just long for your own.

I remember being at a conference in London and holding my friend’s sleeping baby and just begging God to give me my own, as much as I loved the child in my arms the yearning for my own child was unbearable and I was literally begging God in that time of worship. Although my arms were full with something so, so very precious, my heart was empty and aching. It’s a pain that never truly goes away.

You long for sleepness nights, you long for a human to need you so badly that without you they would ceast to exist. You long for a little human that is yours, your pride and joy and one that you can nurture and love until the end of days.

It’s an ongoing battle and at times I just don’t know, I have little panic times when I know it’s going to get even tougher and I just don’t know if I can do it- if I have the strength to do it, I cry a heck of a lot- never ever used to be a crier and I go into a bubble which just contains me and I don’t want anyone else in my bubble. I also hide, I hide my thoughts, my feelings, my pain and my sadness until I can’t contain it anymore.

I feel broken, I feel inadequate, I feel like a failure, I don’t feel like me- I miss how I used to be at times and I hate the fact that I’ve let something destroy a part of me but one thing I know for sure is that this is just me. It’s just how I see myself and not how others see me and not how God sees me but when you feel like that, it is so hard to believe the truth and it is something I find impossible to do at times.

My comfort is in worship songs, my comfort is in my journal, my comfort is in my husband although I don’t always show it because that’s a tough thing to do at times and my comfort is in the night because I know, no matter what’s happened, I can always find a star, just like I can always catch a glimpse of God even if it is just a lyric that sounds louder then the others- I know in my heart of hearts he is there although my head tells me otherwise and when I’m crying into my pillow and when I’m worried it may just be us for ever and when my world is really, really dark something within me whispers that “a certain darkness is needed to see the stars“.

“Don’t Tell Oprah!”

So I had been thinking about writing a blog for quite a while and I was always thinking of an excuse. I mean I journal and write about stuff like that and our journey and what ever madness is happening in my head but blogging, it’s kinda one step closer to telling people about our journey and the road that we are on.

So I was out for dinner with a really good friend and we were talking about stuff and I piped up about the fact that I had been thinking about starting a blog as you never know it may actually reach some people and potentially help them.

I have been blessed or some, especially my husband may say cursed with an active imagination (it’s always much more active at night when he wants to sleep and I’m waking him up) and so I kinda go into a weird bubble where my brain is like “oooh this could happen, and this, AH I KNOW this could happen” you get the picture, kinda like a dog with squirrels, but I had this imaginary situation where my blog became the next big thing that people were talking about and as I’ve decided to kinda ghost write, it was all over the press and people were like who is the author? That turned into Oprah doing some sort of appeal and I turned around to my friend and was like “Promise me you won’t tell Oprah” So there we go, I have her word… along with another friends word that they won’t tell Oprah!!

I thought this may be a perfect little time to put down a rough time line of our journey so far. We have been together for about 8 and a bit years and married for just over 6 years and children was always something that we spoke about, always. It’s never been a secret that I wanted kids and always dreamed of having a family and since we were engaged and before hand it was always on the cards with names being picked out and all that jazz. I remember dinners out and we were discussing names and what we wanted for our hypothetical family and that was always a comfortable place, it was always the butterflies in tummy material.

I never ever thought that maybe there was a potential that I couldn’t have children. Everyone in my family, a sibling, cousins and so forth had no problem having children therefore, I would have no issues either. The reality of the situation I am in now never crossed my mind.

So in 2009 when my gynae issues started even then the idea of kids and my ideology about us having children wasn’t affected. Due to a few different things I went private as my symptoms got even more severe on honeymoon, but I had complete trust in my consultant as she was one of the best you could get and I was just like ok, so i’ll take this medication and have surgery and then be absolutely fine with regards to family.

We weren’t using any protection of any kind and I was given the all clear from the gynae and all my hormone levels were fine but each month or so I would get my period, there was no sign of a baby. Sure it was always in the back of my mind at this point but it was just a niggle right, I’d be fine!

Fast forward to 2014 when everything kicked off again and I needed urgent surgery to stop my bleeding and I went back to the same consultant and it was her that questioned me and informed me due to how long it has been, I am entitled to IVF. Got that surgery sorted and then we carried on trying.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I took a test as I had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, and I can’t tell you how each time, every negative test tore a part of me away.

I remember one time going to the GP as I hadn’t had a period for about 4 months and the Dr turned round to me and was like “Do you want children?” I obviously said yes and then to get a reply of “Well you may have to get used to the idea that you can’t, we won’t do anything until you’ve had no period for a few more months” I remember going to home group and sobbing all the way there shouting at God and then sat on my friends sofa and sobbed for 3 hours straight.

That put me off going to the Dr’s again.

About September 2015 I got the courage to go to my GP again (totally saw a different one, avoided that one like the plague since) after being bugged by a few friends and psyching myself up and explained everything and since they had all my gynae history (there is a heck of a lot for a 28 year old now) she referred me straight away.

That was a strange time, I felt it was too easy and there was no challenges or uber awkward questions like “how often do you have sex and is it always with your husband?” or “how many times do you scratch your back with a porcupine after sex?” and all that jazz… it was simple, too simple and she was absolutely lovely!

This kinda lead me on a flipping heck this is real situation and I really, REALLY struggled with the fact we were seeking fertility treatment. The appointment came through mega fast like within 3 months and that’s when we walked through the doors of our local centre of reproductive medicine (CRM).

The forms, the 85 million forms you have to fill in! You kinda loose the will to live whilst filling in the forms and you even end up questioning who you are, what is your occupation and why are you there and how many partners do you have? You are so certain of your identity when you walk in and searching for it when you walk out.

We had the appointment, paid a stupid amount of money for a blood test that was to indicate my fertility and leave me with some beautiful bruises to remember the nurse by and also found out in my husband’s word’s that his sperm is capable of winning a few golds in the Olympics.

So that is where our journey began and I am currently on…numerous blood tests- 5 internal scans- 1 outpatient hysteroscopy and biopsy- 1 inpatient hysteroscopy under GA with a D&C, biopsies and polyps removed- 1 biopsy in a clinic and 3 CRM appointments

All in the past 8 months or so.

I have also gone a little bit stir crazy and struggled and spent some days crying the whole day and other time hysterically laughed for no reason along with not getting out of bed or opening the curtains!

There we go, there’s a little insight into a rough copy of what’s gone on and our journey!

At the end of the day, if all else fails just remember… Oprah will still have no idea who I am!!