‘Once upon a time…’

There is this extremely well known phrase that gives hope and gives dreams and once you hear it, it can cause all different types of emotions. It is the backbone of the majority of people’s childhoods, girls in particular thanks to singing animals and beautiful princes and pretty dresses and just the thought of it can cause you to think all is well in the world!

‘Once upon a time…’

Once upon a time, is a little bit of a strange phrase really but it also catches the attention of the audience. I guess it also has a psychological connection due to the thoughts that are linked with it thanks to well-known fairy tales. I actually don’t think that I have ever heard a fairy tale that doesn’t start with ‘Once upon a time’. Ask someone to tell you a story and I reckon 95% of the time they will start with that phrase.

So where am I going with this? I am actually not sure myself but hey ho!!

Once upon a time, is the symbolism that something happened and its now over and that someone has survived to tell the tale because otherwise there would be no once upon a time, as no one would know about it. It is just not something that can be used in every day conversation, it’s a thing of the past.

Everyone has a unique story to tell, some peoples are darker, and others are more airy fairy unicorns and fluff!! Oh how I wish I was in the airy fairy unicorns and fluff category.

fluffy

Stories are something that can have enormous impact on others. I do love a good story but you can also find yourself disconnected from your story and longing for someone else to replace the pages in your book, your unique book.

I found myself in that situation after one of my appointments a few months ago, I remember saying to my friends that the situation I am in, doesn’t feel like my story and that I can’t connect with it. It feels like I’m living the life of someone else, that I am experiencing something on behalf of someone else or watching some warped film. I just could not connect with it, my heart and my head were screaming out that this isn’t mine, this isn’t our journey- there must have been a mistake and it was too much to backtrack.

That place that you find yourself in, when you find yourself in a situation (whatever that may be) is a place in which you feel numb, you feel… well actually you don’t think you can feel. I remember texting my best friend (who is an absolute rock and we have been through so much together & we have come to realise that distance sucks!!) and I said to her something along the lines that I felt the consultant had taken away all my feelings and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

(side note… as I’m typing this ‘Oceans’ has just come on via the magic of the amazing YouTube, I wrote about it a few posts ago… ah the little things always make my ears perk and makes my heart pound a little more!)

That’s a dark place but that’s also a place in which you think ‘Once Upon A time’ just won’t happen to you, you won’t be able to share your story because there isn’t an end.   You know there is a real, honest, deep, twisted pain that comes when you want something so much but don’t know if it will happen.

praise-god-e-w

Waiting for my ‘Once Upon a Time’ time is painful, painful doesn’t even touch it and sometimes it just feels like it goes round in circles. For example, at the moment I’ve been put back on medication to stop bleeding and in my head I’m like SERIOUSLY!! I’ve been here before and this isn’t unknown territory for me and sometimes it just reminds you that you are in a place that you’ve been before but it isn’t a comfortable reminder. These exactly symptoms of the bleeding are what lead me down the road of gynaecologists not being an alien concept, I just hope the meds kick in very soon but above all… THIS IS A CRAPPY SITUATION!!

I struggle, flip me I struggle massively! I wonder why, I wonder when and to be totally honest with you I wonder IF.

I wonder if my once upon a time will come.

You see, for me this journey has felt like a life time. There is nothing in the world that can compare to how long this journey has felt and how much it has destroyed me and absolutely shattered my soul and taken away some ideas and rocked my faith and I am trying hard to regain that but the one thing I would say that has intensified throughout it all is my love for my child who I know is being shaped, put together and moulded in the hands of God and if they are anything like their father, they are so impatient to become real ( Just to clear it up, my husband is real but he doesn’t like waiting). I can honestly see this tiny, strong, passionate little soul literally just waiting for God to nod his head and say now it’s time and they will be fidgeting so much, ready and raring to go.

There have been times, when I have found myself whispering “I know little one, I need you now but it takes time, you are worth it and you will be worth it but for now just wait my precious one, we will wait for you and you need to wait for us

patience

I look back at the times when I was angry that God hadn’t given me my much longed for, prayed for, wept for and immensely loved baby but my child is taking a little bit of extra time and for today, that’s ok but tomorrow that may be too painful to cope with and I may weep over the idea of them but it is just times like this in which I need to stand firm but also give myself a break and know it’s OK to feel like I do, and allow myself the permission to weep if I need to and if that involves snot, well so be it!!

I can’t wait for my once upon a time, to tell the story of how longed for, how loved and how wanted they were but also of how God sustained us, comforted us and also promised us multiple times but also the journey God lead us on to get them and my quest from me to mum.

Some days they are all I can think and dream about and my head and heart explodes at just the thought of them but that sometimes doesn’t make the journey any easier. A quest is all about discovery and on every decent adventure there are going to be things that challenge you, mountains you have to climb, valleys you have to navigate and sometimes when the sat nav says bear right, that’s not a direction- it’s giving you a heads up that a grizzly is on the corner but without all those, it wouldn’t be an adventure but it would just be a walk in the park with a few ducks chucked in!

one-dayblessed

 

Sneaky Tears!!

Some days I just feel sad and I have no reasoning or any idea as to why I feel so sad but it just feels consuming, like every optimistic and faith filled molecule within your whole being has been replaced with emptiness and sadness. Sometimes that sadness and consuming feeling can be so easy to hide, other times it comes out in anger and other times, the majority of the time for myself it comes out in quietness and tears. It’s like an outward quietness though but inside my head is racing and my heart is pounding and it’s just an internal disaster.

Today is one of those days, today I feel I have been consumed but I have no idea why. Today I just feel sad and hopeless and just quiet. Today has been a day full of sneaky tears (sneaky as in they just appear and make your face wet and you don’t know why they are escaping!!) and it’s not even 3pm yet. On days like this there is nothing really that helps, and that is miserable!

Even chocolate isn’t helping… you know it’s bad when chocolate doesn’t help and gin is not an option at the moment!!

Today I want to curl into a ball, today I want to know it is all going to be ok, today I want to know it is all going to be worth it and today I want to know that I am making the right decisions for our future because at the moment, it all seems a little too much and a little impossible.

Today is a sad day and I wanted to be honest with how I feel because if you asked me in person, I fear I may crumble if I am going to be honest and so to save myself from that- I will tell you I am fine and I will put on a smile but the reality is far from the truth.

today-my

The Tide Waits for No-one

Water is such a vital part of life on Earth, like vital for everything and everyone. There is no life form on this planet that can survive without water (to my knowledge). The closest living thing that can survive without water is the Kangaroo Rat and it doesn’t actually drink water but gets it from its food and uses some funky metabolic mechanism to extract water and also carries some pretty concentrated urine, so contracted in fact that it helps them survive without consuming water in the liquid form!!

kangaroo rat
Look at its little face!!!

 

That’s some pretty powerful wee… on a side note, at times you can’t beat a good old wee (hopefully not too old otherwise you may need antibiotics!!) I really hope that in heaven, there are some AMAZING toilets and God will let me have a wee every so often because there is not much that beats a wee and it can be really satisfying!

There is nothing like a clear blue lake or a swimming pool on a really hot day to make you long to enter that water. You see water is so enticing, it is so vital to human life and it can be so, so fun to play with and in yet at the same time it is so powerful, so unreliable, it is a life stealer but it is so, so beautiful.

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Beautiful lake we spent some time at.

 

You see water is something that people can associate things with, memories with in so many different ways. Some may speak fondly of water, for others it may be a fear factor that can reduce people to tears, which if you think about it is actually quite ironic that they are creating something they are scared of out of fear.

I personally love the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, I love the smell of a swimming pool or seeing the sun sparkle on the surface of a body of water and I love playing in water and with water given the right circumstances but also water is one of the main components for something that not a lot of people are fond of… storms.

There is one storm that I will never ever forget which when I think of it, I can just smell the environment and it is literally like I am back there again and that storm was in Uganda. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have to use torch light at any given point after sunset due to power cuts as I was in rural Uganda but this evening we could tell all day a storm was brewing and it was a really hot evening and so after dinner and being out all day, I managed to have a warm-ish shower and then you heard a rumble in the distance and a storm was coming. I have never, ever seen such a beautiful storm in my life.

I was sat on the veranda watching the storm, with the rain pouring down in buckets but the most spectacular lightning I have ever witnessed and in the distance you could hear music playing and things but it was amazing.

I like a storm in the physical sense, when I was a child whenever there was a storm my mum would turn off all the lights and open all the curtains and pull the nets back and we would be at the best window to see the storm and watch the lightning and to this day, when there is a thunderstorm I still do the same as to me, that’s the normal way to deal with a thunderstorm.

Some storms though are not quite welcome and for those storms I will not open the curtains, pull the nets back because those storms, those physical/emotional/spiritual storms are not pleasant and I think like everyone we approach those ones from under the table. You see although things may be tough and those storms are not fun to watch and you don’t want them to remain memorable or a favourite part of your life but from what I can gather, someone has walked the same storm before you but sometimes their rain wasn’t as heavy.

There’s this saying which I am sure everyone knows about life is learning how to dance in the rain and I totally get it and the positive outlook on life and I totally get how liberating dancing in the rain can be because as teenagers, myself and my best friend would dance in the heaviest of rain but sometimes you just need to bow your head and wait out the storm.

bow your head

I remember one time I was getting ready in the morning and I had YouTube playing via my phone (I LOVE YouTube) and I had a mix of different music playing and I would always start off with Hillsong United’s Oceans and I remember being like “God this is my prayer” and I didn’t think anything of it. I also absolutely love the song because it is beautiful but then another time I remember having some quiet time and the home to myself and I was not happy! I didn’t understand why, I didn’t understand how, I was so angry and I was shouting and God and saying this is what you’ve promised me and I don’t understand why for me to get there it has to be so hard.

So I am in this place that is an absolute internal battlefield and my heart and my mind is a battlefield with myself, berating myself but also with God and I kind of had this urge to put YouTube on and I was in my head just saying “NO” “I will NOT play YouTube and I will NOT do what you want, in fact I am going to turn my phone off”!

Umm, so that didn’t go down too well and I felt so bad that I played the flipping song!

Oceans

All though out that song I kept thinking, what if this journey I am on- this journey of infertility that I am facing what God wants for me to journey through so that my faith will be made stronger as I draw towards the presence of my saviour? You see that is a pretty darn hard pill to swallow because that chorus is where I am at. I am learning trust without borders, if I had the choice I wouldn’t even dip my toes in the waters of infertility yet alone paddle and let myself be deeper than my feet could ever wonder.

You see, when people fully submit to God and fully sing Oceans like meaning every word they say- would they still mean it if God showed them even just a snippet of what their ocean may look like?

Some days, I don’t know if I would.

Even when the odd day comes and I feel I can conquer the world I may be a little hesitant.

One thing I do know for sure, is that my faith is being made stronger little by little but that doesn’t make the journey any easier when your heart hurts and your arms ache for something that you don’t know if it is going to work out.

The past few days I have felt like the sun is starting to sparkle on my ocean and its looking fine but other days it is full of great white sharks with blood in the water, lion fish, jelly fish and riptides.

Everybody has a journey and a story to tell and everyone has had their own ocean to deal with and cross and sometimes their ocean can be quite sparkly but to them it may have been an absolutely disaster and they drown whilst a storm was rumbling above the waters but you see, those storms can change at any time and also the storms may pass sooner than anticipated.

I know for sure I need my storm to change and I need a smooth ocean and I also try to remember that God’s plan for my life is more than I could ever grasp hold of and after all this is just a season I am in and I have had personal words from God. I also need to remember that as tough as the time may be and as smooth as my ocean is that the tide wait’s for no-one and nothing I do will determine the tide and nothing anyone can do, will determine the tide but there is one thing that is more than capable of affecting the tide and that one thing is the one who created the heavens and the earth.