There is this extremely well known phrase that gives hope and gives dreams and once you hear it, it can cause all different types of emotions. It is the backbone of the majority of people’s childhoods, girls in particular thanks to singing animals and beautiful princes and pretty dresses and just the thought of it can cause you to think all is well in the world!
‘Once upon a time…’
Once upon a time, is a little bit of a strange phrase really but it also catches the attention of the audience. I guess it also has a psychological connection due to the thoughts that are linked with it thanks to well-known fairy tales. I actually don’t think that I have ever heard a fairy tale that doesn’t start with ‘Once upon a time’. Ask someone to tell you a story and I reckon 95% of the time they will start with that phrase.
So where am I going with this? I am actually not sure myself but hey ho!!
Once upon a time, is the symbolism that something happened and its now over and that someone has survived to tell the tale because otherwise there would be no once upon a time, as no one would know about it. It is just not something that can be used in every day conversation, it’s a thing of the past.
Everyone has a unique story to tell, some peoples are darker, and others are more airy fairy unicorns and fluff!! Oh how I wish I was in the airy fairy unicorns and fluff category.
Stories are something that can have enormous impact on others. I do love a good story but you can also find yourself disconnected from your story and longing for someone else to replace the pages in your book, your unique book.
I found myself in that situation after one of my appointments a few months ago, I remember saying to my friends that the situation I am in, doesn’t feel like my story and that I can’t connect with it. It feels like I’m living the life of someone else, that I am experiencing something on behalf of someone else or watching some warped film. I just could not connect with it, my heart and my head were screaming out that this isn’t mine, this isn’t our journey- there must have been a mistake and it was too much to backtrack.
That place that you find yourself in, when you find yourself in a situation (whatever that may be) is a place in which you feel numb, you feel… well actually you don’t think you can feel. I remember texting my best friend (who is an absolute rock and we have been through so much together & we have come to realise that distance sucks!!) and I said to her something along the lines that I felt the consultant had taken away all my feelings and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
(side note… as I’m typing this ‘Oceans’ has just come on via the magic of the amazing YouTube, I wrote about it a few posts ago… ah the little things always make my ears perk and makes my heart pound a little more!)
That’s a dark place but that’s also a place in which you think ‘Once Upon A time’ just won’t happen to you, you won’t be able to share your story because there isn’t an end. You know there is a real, honest, deep, twisted pain that comes when you want something so much but don’t know if it will happen.
Waiting for my ‘Once Upon a Time’ time is painful, painful doesn’t even touch it and sometimes it just feels like it goes round in circles. For example, at the moment I’ve been put back on medication to stop bleeding and in my head I’m like SERIOUSLY!! I’ve been here before and this isn’t unknown territory for me and sometimes it just reminds you that you are in a place that you’ve been before but it isn’t a comfortable reminder. These exactly symptoms of the bleeding are what lead me down the road of gynaecologists not being an alien concept, I just hope the meds kick in very soon but above all… THIS IS A CRAPPY SITUATION!!
I struggle, flip me I struggle massively! I wonder why, I wonder when and to be totally honest with you I wonder IF.
I wonder if my once upon a time will come.
You see, for me this journey has felt like a life time. There is nothing in the world that can compare to how long this journey has felt and how much it has destroyed me and absolutely shattered my soul and taken away some ideas and rocked my faith and I am trying hard to regain that but the one thing I would say that has intensified throughout it all is my love for my child who I know is being shaped, put together and moulded in the hands of God and if they are anything like their father, they are so impatient to become real ( Just to clear it up, my husband is real but he doesn’t like waiting). I can honestly see this tiny, strong, passionate little soul literally just waiting for God to nod his head and say now it’s time and they will be fidgeting so much, ready and raring to go.
There have been times, when I have found myself whispering “I know little one, I need you now but it takes time, you are worth it and you will be worth it but for now just wait my precious one, we will wait for you and you need to wait for us”
I look back at the times when I was angry that God hadn’t given me my much longed for, prayed for, wept for and immensely loved baby but my child is taking a little bit of extra time and for today, that’s ok but tomorrow that may be too painful to cope with and I may weep over the idea of them but it is just times like this in which I need to stand firm but also give myself a break and know it’s OK to feel like I do, and allow myself the permission to weep if I need to and if that involves snot, well so be it!!
I can’t wait for my once upon a time, to tell the story of how longed for, how loved and how wanted they were but also of how God sustained us, comforted us and also promised us multiple times but also the journey God lead us on to get them and my quest from me to mum.
Some days they are all I can think and dream about and my head and heart explodes at just the thought of them but that sometimes doesn’t make the journey any easier. A quest is all about discovery and on every decent adventure there are going to be things that challenge you, mountains you have to climb, valleys you have to navigate and sometimes when the sat nav says bear right, that’s not a direction- it’s giving you a heads up that a grizzly is on the corner but without all those, it wouldn’t be an adventure but it would just be a walk in the park with a few ducks chucked in!