So I haven’t updated since my last appointment and so I thought I would take the opportunity to lead on from my last post really. The appointment went well considering how much I was absolutely… More
This just perfectly sums up how I am feeling.
I’m finding things tough, so very, very tough and I am so fed up but I have no idea how to get myself back to a place where I feel in control.
I’m tired and just feel internally fidgety like something is itching but I don’t know what, something is going on… life is a bit heavy at the moment and we are getting closer and closer to our next appointment that never fills my soul with hope! I totally don’t like that place.
I just feel like I need to step off the world, regroup, clear my head and then step back on and carry on!
It isn’t a surprise to those that know me, how I’ve been feeling quite sick and poorly lately for about the past 3 weeks and things aren’t improving at all, if anything they are getting worse which at times makes me throw a pity party for one! Today things have got much worse and we ended up in gynae A&E for about 3 and a half hours. I mean we are so lucky and fortunate to have the NHS and the fact that I could go and book myself in, see a nurse, see a doctor who also discussed my case with a consultant, have bloods taken and put through as urgent and leave with pain meds as they couldn’t do anything else and not have to outwardly pay a penny for that service- incredible!
The not so incredible thing is the journey we are on. My GP stated when I last spoke to her on Thursday that if these new meds don’t work for my bleeding then we are in specialist territory and it is much out of their depth but the doctors are going to have to have a real think about how I am managed in the long term. Nothing seems to be easing and my bleeding and pain was much worse today and my friend advised me that they should be working by now and so that when I decided to take a trip to the hospital.
The doctor at the hospital stated that their hands are tied until I am seen in the clinic for my next appointment and it is basically just riding it out, taking pain meds, resting (not really an amazing option at the moment with so much academic work to do) and taking the tranexamic acid to try and stop the bleeding. He was like the only way we can really solve this and hopefully help is to make you pregnant asap because that’s the only way I can see helping you and stopping the bleeding and pelvic pain as we can’t keep doing D&C’s as you’ve had 3 already… IF ONLY IT WAS SO FRIGGING EASY!!
So that was that, yet alone they don’t know what they can realistically do and I am just praying that we get a real solution at the next appointment.
I kinda have this phrase with my friends that when it gets a bit too bad and I can’t cope I inform them that I don’t want to adult anymore and I simply don’t feel like I can adult… but at the moment its gone one step further…
Being a bunny would be so much easier… I LOVE bunnies!! We actually have an adorable fluffy house rabbit and he is just awesome, he thinks he is a dog but he is adorable and oh so very cute!
Things are tough, things are flipping tough and I just don’t have the energy. It just seems that things are constantly coming up to remind me of my journey and the road we are on and just when things seem to be ok within me, I get shaken. We were informed last weekend that 2 couples we know and one we are good friends with are expecting babies and its bloody tough, I would say it reminds you- but it’s more like a stabbing that they have got the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it hurts, my God does it hurt! I sat there with one couple with tears streaming down my face trying to convince them that I was happy for them. I am so happy for them but oh so very sad for us!
I just don’t know what to do with myself, don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do… I hate times like this, I just feel like I need to escape to a beautiful place, where I feel I can breathe and just be like “Right, OK God… let’s get some things sorted” and just enjoy nature and listen and take it all in!
I need my stars more than ever at the moment, I need to know it’s all going to be ok and I need my body to work and do what it is supposed to flipping do.
I think I also feel more crap as I was supposed to be out with a friend tonight and was planning on consuming various amounts of gin, prosecco and anything else going with dark chocolate, giggles and hilarious conversation but today I’ve cried, hugged the toilet as thought I was gonna be sick, flooded in my fav pj’s, sat in a hospital for a few hours whilst going through research articles with a highlighter, had an internal by a man I barely know in scrubs (don’t know him out of scrubs either) and taken as much medication as it is safe for me to do so and still feeling absolutely shocking!
Today is one of those days (it’s been a few weeks actually) where I feel like sticking my middle finger up to the frigging world and telling it where to go and also wondering why all this shitty stuff isn’t ending!
All I want is a functioning womb
All I want is a baby
All I want is to forget everything
All I want it to feel like the real, old me, someone I can identify with because I feel a part of me has gone, a part of who I used to be… this journey has changed me, it’s shaped me and I want to go back to the whole worrying about trivial stuff, not having huge decisions hanging over me and also being a crazy, carefree individual.
I want to run around like a mad head, I want to dream with no limitations, I want to sit on the hill with my best friend and talk about how when we both meet our forever partners we will have kids and they will be close in age and we will bring them up to be best friends too and we will be each others God mothers for the children and that it is going to be so much fun, not sit on the sofa with her saying I how much I love my husband and I’m so glad I found him but I don’t know if I can have children and all the worries surrounding that.
I want to be me, I want to have a reason to honestly smile without a very raw reason to not smile but smile anyway to hold back the tears.
I hated who I used to be, but now I miss her!
She was full of life, she was undemanding, she was a dreamer, she didn’t really have many fears and it was rare to shed a tear, she thought the world was her oyster, she never questioned God’s plans over her life and she laughed- oh she laughed!
There is this extremely well known phrase that gives hope and gives dreams and once you hear it, it can cause all different types of emotions. It is the backbone of the majority of people’s childhoods, girls in particular thanks to singing animals and beautiful princes and pretty dresses and just the thought of it can cause you to think all is well in the world!
‘Once upon a time…’
Once upon a time, is a little bit of a strange phrase really but it also catches the attention of the audience. I guess it also has a psychological connection due to the thoughts that are linked with it thanks to well-known fairy tales. I actually don’t think that I have ever heard a fairy tale that doesn’t start with ‘Once upon a time’. Ask someone to tell you a story and I reckon 95% of the time they will start with that phrase.
So where am I going with this? I am actually not sure myself but hey ho!!
Once upon a time, is the symbolism that something happened and its now over and that someone has survived to tell the tale because otherwise there would be no once upon a time, as no one would know about it. It is just not something that can be used in every day conversation, it’s a thing of the past.
Everyone has a unique story to tell, some peoples are darker, and others are more airy fairy unicorns and fluff!! Oh how I wish I was in the airy fairy unicorns and fluff category.
Stories are something that can have enormous impact on others. I do love a good story but you can also find yourself disconnected from your story and longing for someone else to replace the pages in your book, your unique book.
I found myself in that situation after one of my appointments a few months ago, I remember saying to my friends that the situation I am in, doesn’t feel like my story and that I can’t connect with it. It feels like I’m living the life of someone else, that I am experiencing something on behalf of someone else or watching some warped film. I just could not connect with it, my heart and my head were screaming out that this isn’t mine, this isn’t our journey- there must have been a mistake and it was too much to backtrack.
That place that you find yourself in, when you find yourself in a situation (whatever that may be) is a place in which you feel numb, you feel… well actually you don’t think you can feel. I remember texting my best friend (who is an absolute rock and we have been through so much together & we have come to realise that distance sucks!!) and I said to her something along the lines that I felt the consultant had taken away all my feelings and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
(side note… as I’m typing this ‘Oceans’ has just come on via the magic of the amazing YouTube, I wrote about it a few posts ago… ah the little things always make my ears perk and makes my heart pound a little more!)
That’s a dark place but that’s also a place in which you think ‘Once Upon A time’ just won’t happen to you, you won’t be able to share your story because there isn’t an end. You know there is a real, honest, deep, twisted pain that comes when you want something so much but don’t know if it will happen.
Waiting for my ‘Once Upon a Time’ time is painful, painful doesn’t even touch it and sometimes it just feels like it goes round in circles. For example, at the moment I’ve been put back on medication to stop bleeding and in my head I’m like SERIOUSLY!! I’ve been here before and this isn’t unknown territory for me and sometimes it just reminds you that you are in a place that you’ve been before but it isn’t a comfortable reminder. These exactly symptoms of the bleeding are what lead me down the road of gynaecologists not being an alien concept, I just hope the meds kick in very soon but above all… THIS IS A CRAPPY SITUATION!!
I struggle, flip me I struggle massively! I wonder why, I wonder when and to be totally honest with you I wonder IF.
I wonder if my once upon a time will come.
You see, for me this journey has felt like a life time. There is nothing in the world that can compare to how long this journey has felt and how much it has destroyed me and absolutely shattered my soul and taken away some ideas and rocked my faith and I am trying hard to regain that but the one thing I would say that has intensified throughout it all is my love for my child who I know is being shaped, put together and moulded in the hands of God and if they are anything like their father, they are so impatient to become real ( Just to clear it up, my husband is real but he doesn’t like waiting). I can honestly see this tiny, strong, passionate little soul literally just waiting for God to nod his head and say now it’s time and they will be fidgeting so much, ready and raring to go.
There have been times, when I have found myself whispering “I know little one, I need you now but it takes time, you are worth it and you will be worth it but for now just wait my precious one, we will wait for you and you need to wait for us”
I look back at the times when I was angry that God hadn’t given me my much longed for, prayed for, wept for and immensely loved baby but my child is taking a little bit of extra time and for today, that’s ok but tomorrow that may be too painful to cope with and I may weep over the idea of them but it is just times like this in which I need to stand firm but also give myself a break and know it’s OK to feel like I do, and allow myself the permission to weep if I need to and if that involves snot, well so be it!!
I can’t wait for my once upon a time, to tell the story of how longed for, how loved and how wanted they were but also of how God sustained us, comforted us and also promised us multiple times but also the journey God lead us on to get them and my quest from me to mum.
Some days they are all I can think and dream about and my head and heart explodes at just the thought of them but that sometimes doesn’t make the journey any easier. A quest is all about discovery and on every decent adventure there are going to be things that challenge you, mountains you have to climb, valleys you have to navigate and sometimes when the sat nav says bear right, that’s not a direction- it’s giving you a heads up that a grizzly is on the corner but without all those, it wouldn’t be an adventure but it would just be a walk in the park with a few ducks chucked in!
Some days I just feel sad and I have no reasoning or any idea as to why I feel so sad but it just feels consuming, like every optimistic and faith filled molecule within your whole being has been replaced with emptiness and sadness. Sometimes that sadness and consuming feeling can be so easy to hide, other times it comes out in anger and other times, the majority of the time for myself it comes out in quietness and tears. It’s like an outward quietness though but inside my head is racing and my heart is pounding and it’s just an internal disaster.
Today is one of those days, today I feel I have been consumed but I have no idea why. Today I just feel sad and hopeless and just quiet. Today has been a day full of sneaky tears (sneaky as in they just appear and make your face wet and you don’t know why they are escaping!!) and it’s not even 3pm yet. On days like this there is nothing really that helps, and that is miserable!
Even chocolate isn’t helping… you know it’s bad when chocolate doesn’t help and gin is not an option at the moment!!
Today I want to curl into a ball, today I want to know it is all going to be ok, today I want to know it is all going to be worth it and today I want to know that I am making the right decisions for our future because at the moment, it all seems a little too much and a little impossible.
Today is a sad day and I wanted to be honest with how I feel because if you asked me in person, I fear I may crumble if I am going to be honest and so to save myself from that- I will tell you I am fine and I will put on a smile but the reality is far from the truth.
Water is such a vital part of life on Earth, like vital for everything and everyone. There is no life form on this planet that can survive without water (to my knowledge). The closest living thing that can survive without water is the Kangaroo Rat and it doesn’t actually drink water but gets it from its food and uses some funky metabolic mechanism to extract water and also carries some pretty concentrated urine, so contracted in fact that it helps them survive without consuming water in the liquid form!!
That’s some pretty powerful wee… on a side note, at times you can’t beat a good old wee (hopefully not too old otherwise you may need antibiotics!!) I really hope that in heaven, there are some AMAZING toilets and God will let me have a wee every so often because there is not much that beats a wee and it can be really satisfying!
There is nothing like a clear blue lake or a swimming pool on a really hot day to make you long to enter that water. You see water is so enticing, it is so vital to human life and it can be so, so fun to play with and in yet at the same time it is so powerful, so unreliable, it is a life stealer but it is so, so beautiful.
You see water is something that people can associate things with, memories with in so many different ways. Some may speak fondly of water, for others it may be a fear factor that can reduce people to tears, which if you think about it is actually quite ironic that they are creating something they are scared of out of fear.
I personally love the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, I love the smell of a swimming pool or seeing the sun sparkle on the surface of a body of water and I love playing in water and with water given the right circumstances but also water is one of the main components for something that not a lot of people are fond of… storms.
There is one storm that I will never ever forget which when I think of it, I can just smell the environment and it is literally like I am back there again and that storm was in Uganda. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have to use torch light at any given point after sunset due to power cuts as I was in rural Uganda but this evening we could tell all day a storm was brewing and it was a really hot evening and so after dinner and being out all day, I managed to have a warm-ish shower and then you heard a rumble in the distance and a storm was coming. I have never, ever seen such a beautiful storm in my life.
I was sat on the veranda watching the storm, with the rain pouring down in buckets but the most spectacular lightning I have ever witnessed and in the distance you could hear music playing and things but it was amazing.
I like a storm in the physical sense, when I was a child whenever there was a storm my mum would turn off all the lights and open all the curtains and pull the nets back and we would be at the best window to see the storm and watch the lightning and to this day, when there is a thunderstorm I still do the same as to me, that’s the normal way to deal with a thunderstorm.
Some storms though are not quite welcome and for those storms I will not open the curtains, pull the nets back because those storms, those physical/emotional/spiritual storms are not pleasant and I think like everyone we approach those ones from under the table. You see although things may be tough and those storms are not fun to watch and you don’t want them to remain memorable or a favourite part of your life but from what I can gather, someone has walked the same storm before you but sometimes their rain wasn’t as heavy.
There’s this saying which I am sure everyone knows about life is learning how to dance in the rain and I totally get it and the positive outlook on life and I totally get how liberating dancing in the rain can be because as teenagers, myself and my best friend would dance in the heaviest of rain but sometimes you just need to bow your head and wait out the storm.
I remember one time I was getting ready in the morning and I had YouTube playing via my phone (I LOVE YouTube) and I had a mix of different music playing and I would always start off with Hillsong United’s Oceans and I remember being like “God this is my prayer” and I didn’t think anything of it. I also absolutely love the song because it is beautiful but then another time I remember having some quiet time and the home to myself and I was not happy! I didn’t understand why, I didn’t understand how, I was so angry and I was shouting and God and saying this is what you’ve promised me and I don’t understand why for me to get there it has to be so hard.
So I am in this place that is an absolute internal battlefield and my heart and my mind is a battlefield with myself, berating myself but also with God and I kind of had this urge to put YouTube on and I was in my head just saying “NO” “I will NOT play YouTube and I will NOT do what you want, in fact I am going to turn my phone off”!
Umm, so that didn’t go down too well and I felt so bad that I played the flipping song!
All though out that song I kept thinking, what if this journey I am on- this journey of infertility that I am facing what God wants for me to journey through so that my faith will be made stronger as I draw towards the presence of my saviour? You see that is a pretty darn hard pill to swallow because that chorus is where I am at. I am learning trust without borders, if I had the choice I wouldn’t even dip my toes in the waters of infertility yet alone paddle and let myself be deeper than my feet could ever wonder.
You see, when people fully submit to God and fully sing Oceans like meaning every word they say- would they still mean it if God showed them even just a snippet of what their ocean may look like?
Some days, I don’t know if I would.
Even when the odd day comes and I feel I can conquer the world I may be a little hesitant.
One thing I do know for sure, is that my faith is being made stronger little by little but that doesn’t make the journey any easier when your heart hurts and your arms ache for something that you don’t know if it is going to work out.
The past few days I have felt like the sun is starting to sparkle on my ocean and its looking fine but other days it is full of great white sharks with blood in the water, lion fish, jelly fish and riptides.
Everybody has a journey and a story to tell and everyone has had their own ocean to deal with and cross and sometimes their ocean can be quite sparkly but to them it may have been an absolutely disaster and they drown whilst a storm was rumbling above the waters but you see, those storms can change at any time and also the storms may pass sooner than anticipated.
I know for sure I need my storm to change and I need a smooth ocean and I also try to remember that God’s plan for my life is more than I could ever grasp hold of and after all this is just a season I am in and I have had personal words from God. I also need to remember that as tough as the time may be and as smooth as my ocean is that the tide wait’s for no-one and nothing I do will determine the tide and nothing anyone can do, will determine the tide but there is one thing that is more than capable of affecting the tide and that one thing is the one who created the heavens and the earth.
So I just spent the past 30 mins reading all different post’s on what is good to eat and what’s not and also the superfood’s and all that jazz and I am happy to report I think they are satisfactory and I’m happy with what they class as superfoods but to be honest, I do sit her wondering to myself why the fudge I do it to myself (just for the record fudge isn’t included!!) I actually don’t know why I’m writing this today as I had an office day to get some paperwork done but also introduced myself to my new workplace (those that were in) as I start a new little adventure in a few weeks and so spent pretty much the whole day looking at a screen and then come home and do the same before heading out tonight!
My new job is a little bit strange really, it’s a total God thing but to be fair I don’t understand why I’m doing it. The job in which it is for has been in the forefront of my mind for a while but I didn’t expect to actually do it.
I had a plan, I was going to stay in my previous job until I had a baby and then I was going to hand my notice in whilst I was on maternity and try and work elsewhere and continue being part time but was thinking of being more part time then I was so like 2 days a week or something like that.
To cut a long story short (can’t be bothered to type it all up) I got a new job, which I didn’t even know was being advertised for and it was someone else who wanted to chat to me about applying who mentioned it and I just felt a little interested and so applied too. Please don’t think I went into mega ninja stealth mode and applied behind their back, I did ask them if they were OK for me to apply too and in the end I got it and they didn’t even get an interview which believe me is MEGA AWKWARD but then I also got this position which means that I get a high qualification and have a pretty good road mapped out ahead for me career wise BUT that was never my plan!!
I was happy to stay somewhere I was unhappy with, where I had more boring days then happy days and also a job in which I dreaded come Sunday evening because in my crazy head I knew it was worth holding onto until I fell pregnant due to the maternity benefits and plus it was only 3 days a week.
So I’ve gone into this new job- oh it is also full time and then my newest job coming up is going to be extremely hard core and intensive for the next year, fab and then let’s chuck in all this fertility treatment stuff which is also mega stressful and you have a perfect concoction that leaves me thinking WHY??!!??
Why have I been lead on the path I am embarking on now??
I like to be planned and organised as much as possible and I always had this idea in my head that when I fell pregnant I would be able to focus on the pregnancy as much as possible, mark and celebrate all the little milestones, take lighter duties at work and then once the baby was born I would be able to spend as much time as possible with the child, go back to work maybe 2 days a week and put them in minimal day care and then be this baking, home cooked, organic, eco mother warrior galore!
Ah how that makes me laugh a little now but also feel a little bit sad as I know the reality will be far from that!!
My reality now is that I won’t be able to focus on the pregnancy as much when it happens because at the moment for that year my career is going to need to take priority to an extent and I am also going to need to work pretty much full time to establish my career so that I can make a better future for us all.
This all became even more of a realistic thing this morning when I got out the car and realised I had some white dried on substance (of the dairy/soya/coconut kind) on my black jeans when I got out the car and was like searching crazy for some wet wipes to wipe it off with. In my head I was like “ha, you wait until that is baby sick, snot or dried milk and your gonna need to do the sniff test to discover what it is- this is a glimpse of a working mum”
Then it was even more of a snippet as I went to work absolutely shattered giving the fact that the kitten we are looking after kept waking me up in the night to from what I could gather have a frigging chat and play and so I had this teeny thing stealing my sleep just like a baby would and then I locked the cat in the hall after 4 hours of being woken every 25 mins, unlike what I would do to a baby!! To make it even more realistic- the husband didn’t hear the kitten and I am being told this also happens when I baby comes onto the scene!!
Right there and then, I had a snippet of my future!!
I then spent the rest of the day thinking about gin!! Seriously, the thought of gin and the weekend has got me through today!
Plans are great in theory, unless you are totally about them being set in stone and NEVER changing then maybe you should think about if plans are for you.
I personally have had to learn that any plans I make have an 80% chance of changing and I used to find this really annoying and frustrating at the beginning. I used to have a mental and heart hissy fit where I would be like THIS IS NOT CHANGING I MADE A PLAN!!!! But when things are taken out of your control you learn you don’t have a choice.
There was quite a period of time when I was extremely sick within the past 5 years when I couldn’t make a plan, the only think I could count on was that the sun was going to come up the next day and those stars were going to eventually twinkle in the night sky.
In making plans, usually the first thing you plan on doing that morning is waking up and getting up- I couldn’t even plan that, I could not tell you from one day to the other if I would be able to physically get out of bed. Sounds extreme I know, but that was my reality.When that happens you have to learn that plans can change, that was a season in my life when I made no plans what so ever but it is also a season in which God sustained me and I can confidently say that I have come through that season and I am a million miles from that season but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a flare up and be back there again but we are trusting God that season is over.
Sometimes knowing you can’t really do anything to change the situation does not help in the slightest and that’s when frustration sets in and also when the human mind as such takes over. This whole journey we are on as a married couple, always being asked when we are going to have kids is tough and I have struggled immensely and some days are so, so tough to put one foot in front of the other and I just want a time machine to go forward 5 years and see if the heart ache, the brokenness, the faith battle is actually going to be worth it.
Some days the plans that I made are so, so far from reality and what I can see happening that I just don’t know.
I don’t know what I’m doing, Why I’m doing it and when I am going to stop doing it… I literally just don’t know what to do or how to do it and in those days you just merely exist rather than live.
Those are some of the most frustrating times and at home I am not a joy to be around because I am as sharp and as grumpy as can be and the majority of time my sarcastic side comes out to battle, and oh what a battle she conducts!
I am so glad that I am in a place where I can now make and the majority of the time stick to the plans with a bit of wiggle room. Wiggle room can be joyous and I have learned to love wiggle room because some times it turns out better than anticipated and the original plans! I Just need to remind myself of that often.
I am blessed enough to be having plans that I am really looking forward to, a little get away with the husband, dinners out with friends, attending weddings but above all… getting a bottle of gin after work tomorrow as its payday (please don’t judge me, it will last me over a month) Woooooooo!!!
I kind of have this slight love affair with the stars. Stars are amazing and its not been a new love, I remember when I was younger star gazing was one of my favourite activities to do with my best friend.
I remember we were on holiday and it was a clear night and so we got all the blankets out, wrapped up with ALL the layers we could physically wear (kind of like a Joey from friends situation) and went out and laid on the soggy grass to look up at the stars and just chat and dream.
You see, for me stars are a hope. These God placed, God breathed balls of gas give me hope. To me they symbolise beauty in the darkest of situations. Many people fear darkness, many people fear the night but for me there is comfort because it is never truly dark, the night is never truly pitch black because if you look up there is a wealth of stars (unless your in the UK and then you may just have a wealth of clouds) but things on this Earth come and go, things change, situations get better and worse but one thing that won’t change are the stars.
I absolutely adore this line of a poem from ‘The Old Astronomer To His Pupil’ by Sarah Williams
You see the stars are a bit like God. Things on earth are ever changing, situations come and go but the one constant thing that will never change is God and it is all through the scriptures, it has been documented all through time about God and people have their own opinions on what God is, just like stars. Although I have never met anyone who denies stars exist!
No matter what’s happening on the earth and no matter what changes or what disaster happens the one thing we know for certain is that when the natural light starts to get low this is when the stars come out. When darkness starts to consume the earth the stars are there, burning away and giving some light. Darkness can consume the majority of things but it can’t consume stars. It can’t consume hope, faith and grace. It can’t consume God but believe me it has a flipping good attempt and sometimes those stars are really hard to see.
I remember it was a Friday and I was at work and we had a quiet spell as it had gone past the cut of point for people to come and we just had to get through those that were there. They were all waiting for other members of the team to see them, and so I decided to call and get my blood results for that really expensive blood test that measures the ovarian reserve and basically measures fertility. I was a little bit excited but was also confident that it would be fine because we had been told that if that is good then it makes everything easier and it is normally fine for someone my age in the majority of circumstances, I had a good feeling.
I could just imagine it, the results would be fine, there was nothing wrong with me and it was just a timing thing. The results are going to be ok, maybe a little low but OK!!
So I called up and gave my details. It was only when they kept asking me for my name and date of birth about 3 times as well as getting me to confirm my age that something within me just didn’t feel right.
“Umm, Ok Mrs …, I can call you that or would you prefer your first name? Ok, so for someone your age, 27, your levels should be between 17-54, that’s the normal levels for a 27 year old roughly. OK? and yours is 3.03. That is low even for a menopausal women let alone someone who is 27. We will discuss it with you more at your next appointment which I can see is in 2 and a half months time”
I simply thanked her and hung up. I had a split second when I didn’t know what to do, someone walked into the bay I was in and took one look at me and I quickly made an exit into the staff room, tears started burning my face. You know how some people say that they got some news that made them feel physically sick? Well I was always like “aww I’m so sorry that must of felt awful” but I never really knew how awful it would feel, I just imagined it not really being a feeling until that moment. That’s when I knew what it felt like, it isn’t just awful its horrid and one of the worse feelings going! Even to this day, when I think of that and even now as I type I can feel it. A deep routed feeling of dread and your stomach turns and It’s something you can’t really explain, I just hope the majority of people never experience it.
3.03…Is a number I hate, its a number that fills me with absolute dread even to this day. This was the one thing I was banking on being ok. After my other blood tests and learning my progesterone was under 1, I was hoping my AMH wouldn’t let me down.
I was sent home from work as I looked awful and I remember calling up my mum and sobbing on the way home. She apologised so much, told me she wished things were different for me but I just sobbed. Nothing apart from the number 3.03 was going through my head and the thought that I was going to throw up at any time.
I cried and I cried and I lost hope and I felt absolutely devastated. I was scared, I was doubting God, I didn’t understand. It’s then that it all really sunk in, it was an internal disaster.
I felt like my world crumbled around me.
I wanted to be able to have children with no medical intervention. I wanted a much welcomed ‘surprise’ after a weekend away or maybe a little too much to drink. I always imagined peeing on that stick because I didn’t feel right and it being positive and putting my plans into action to let him know he was going to be a daddy. To phone my best friend and be so excited because I was pregnant and make baby shower plans and go a little over the top with her and be like this is how I am going to tell him.
Naturally, that is what I want and what I pray for, natural.
At my next appointment the results were discussed and due to the results the consultant informed me that more than likely we are looking at IVF and also time is very important and we need to get all other things sorted for the best outcome. This would also involve me needing a procedure to look in my womb because there were concerns that the lining was getting thicker despite me bleeding and having awful periods but there was a high risk due to my medical history and also due to how think the lining was and so he could only refer me to one person and she may not be able to do it. He was doing all he could to avoid me needing another surgery.
I walked out of that room feeling numb. I knew I had things to do like loose weight to get my BMI down to a particular level for treatment but I felt numb.
This is the best way to explain it, as I wrote in my journal at that time…
“To be totally honest, this place I find myself in- it’s not very starry but it is a clear night. You can see your breath in the air as your body and soul yearn to know who’s taken the stars but above all your gripped. You can’t see who or what is gripping you but it’s flipping terrifying. There are so many people around you but you feel alone and the grip doesn’t ease. it’s scary and the only reason you know it’s real is because you can see your breath, you have a pulse. They are the only two things that make you know, let you know that you and this situation are undoubtedly REAL”
I had the appointment for the hysteroscopy but it was too high risk as my womb was full of adhesions that looked like thick cobwebs and also it was really painful and there was a massive risk of perforation which would require emergency surgery, so she stopped it there and then but did manage to get a biopsy. Surgery was my next step and I wasn’t too thrilled about it.
I had my next appointment which I was basically told all I knew and I need surgery and he is listing me as urgent and also that I needed another scan and endometrial biopsy which he did there and then. I had the surgery within about 3 weeks in which they did a D&C (where they scrape away the lining), another biopsy and also some polyps removed and now I am just waiting for my next appointment at the end of October.
To be totally honest this experience so far has broken me, It has torn me apart and I have had to battle so hard to not let it destroy my faith, tear my marriage apart and also some friendships. I have chosen to be very selective who I tell what is happening and keep them updated on the progress of things and also very selective who I tell my innermost thoughts to and that has affected a few of my friendships.
The worse thing about this whole journey is you begin to despise yourself. You hate yourself for not being able to bear children for your husband when you know that is his biggest want in all the world, you hate yourself when you see him playing with other peoples children.
I must say we are so blessed to have friends who trust us so much with their children, and it does in the strangest way make the journey a little bit easier at times. Knowing you have these little treasures you can pour your energy into at that time but then at other times you just long for your own.
I remember being at a conference in London and holding my friend’s sleeping baby and just begging God to give me my own, as much as I loved the child in my arms the yearning for my own child was unbearable and I was literally begging God in that time of worship. Although my arms were full with something so, so very precious, my heart was empty and aching. It’s a pain that never truly goes away.
You long for sleepness nights, you long for a human to need you so badly that without you they would ceast to exist. You long for a little human that is yours, your pride and joy and one that you can nurture and love until the end of days.
It’s an ongoing battle and at times I just don’t know, I have little panic times when I know it’s going to get even tougher and I just don’t know if I can do it- if I have the strength to do it, I cry a heck of a lot- never ever used to be a crier and I go into a bubble which just contains me and I don’t want anyone else in my bubble. I also hide, I hide my thoughts, my feelings, my pain and my sadness until I can’t contain it anymore.
I feel broken, I feel inadequate, I feel like a failure, I don’t feel like me- I miss how I used to be at times and I hate the fact that I’ve let something destroy a part of me but one thing I know for sure is that this is just me. It’s just how I see myself and not how others see me and not how God sees me but when you feel like that, it is so hard to believe the truth and it is something I find impossible to do at times.
My comfort is in worship songs, my comfort is in my journal, my comfort is in my husband although I don’t always show it because that’s a tough thing to do at times and my comfort is in the night because I know, no matter what’s happened, I can always find a star, just like I can always catch a glimpse of God even if it is just a lyric that sounds louder then the others- I know in my heart of hearts he is there although my head tells me otherwise and when I’m crying into my pillow and when I’m worried it may just be us for ever and when my world is really, really dark something within me whispers that “a certain darkness is needed to see the stars“.
So I had been thinking about writing a blog for quite a while and I was always thinking of an excuse. I mean I journal and write about stuff like that and our journey and what ever madness is happening in my head but blogging, it’s kinda one step closer to telling people about our journey and the road that we are on.
So I was out for dinner with a really good friend and we were talking about stuff and I piped up about the fact that I had been thinking about starting a blog as you never know it may actually reach some people and potentially help them.
I have been blessed or some, especially my husband may say cursed with an active imagination (it’s always much more active at night when he wants to sleep and I’m waking him up) and so I kinda go into a weird bubble where my brain is like “oooh this could happen, and this, AH I KNOW this could happen” you get the picture, kinda like a dog with squirrels, but I had this imaginary situation where my blog became the next big thing that people were talking about and as I’ve decided to kinda ghost write, it was all over the press and people were like who is the author? That turned into Oprah doing some sort of appeal and I turned around to my friend and was like “Promise me you won’t tell Oprah” So there we go, I have her word… along with another friends word that they won’t tell Oprah!!
I thought this may be a perfect little time to put down a rough time line of our journey so far. We have been together for about 8 and a bit years and married for just over 6 years and children was always something that we spoke about, always. It’s never been a secret that I wanted kids and always dreamed of having a family and since we were engaged and before hand it was always on the cards with names being picked out and all that jazz. I remember dinners out and we were discussing names and what we wanted for our hypothetical family and that was always a comfortable place, it was always the butterflies in tummy material.
I never ever thought that maybe there was a potential that I couldn’t have children. Everyone in my family, a sibling, cousins and so forth had no problem having children therefore, I would have no issues either. The reality of the situation I am in now never crossed my mind.
So in 2009 when my gynae issues started even then the idea of kids and my ideology about us having children wasn’t affected. Due to a few different things I went private as my symptoms got even more severe on honeymoon, but I had complete trust in my consultant as she was one of the best you could get and I was just like ok, so i’ll take this medication and have surgery and then be absolutely fine with regards to family.
We weren’t using any protection of any kind and I was given the all clear from the gynae and all my hormone levels were fine but each month or so I would get my period, there was no sign of a baby. Sure it was always in the back of my mind at this point but it was just a niggle right, I’d be fine!
Fast forward to 2014 when everything kicked off again and I needed urgent surgery to stop my bleeding and I went back to the same consultant and it was her that questioned me and informed me due to how long it has been, I am entitled to IVF. Got that surgery sorted and then we carried on trying.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I took a test as I had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, and I can’t tell you how each time, every negative test tore a part of me away.
I remember one time going to the GP as I hadn’t had a period for about 4 months and the Dr turned round to me and was like “Do you want children?” I obviously said yes and then to get a reply of “Well you may have to get used to the idea that you can’t, we won’t do anything until you’ve had no period for a few more months” I remember going to home group and sobbing all the way there shouting at God and then sat on my friends sofa and sobbed for 3 hours straight.
That put me off going to the Dr’s again.
About September 2015 I got the courage to go to my GP again (totally saw a different one, avoided that one like the plague since) after being bugged by a few friends and psyching myself up and explained everything and since they had all my gynae history (there is a heck of a lot for a 28 year old now) she referred me straight away.
That was a strange time, I felt it was too easy and there was no challenges or uber awkward questions like “how often do you have sex and is it always with your husband?” or “how many times do you scratch your back with a porcupine after sex?” and all that jazz… it was simple, too simple and she was absolutely lovely!
This kinda lead me on a flipping heck this is real situation and I really, REALLY struggled with the fact we were seeking fertility treatment. The appointment came through mega fast like within 3 months and that’s when we walked through the doors of our local centre of reproductive medicine (CRM).
The forms, the 85 million forms you have to fill in! You kinda loose the will to live whilst filling in the forms and you even end up questioning who you are, what is your occupation and why are you there and how many partners do you have? You are so certain of your identity when you walk in and searching for it when you walk out.
We had the appointment, paid a stupid amount of money for a blood test that was to indicate my fertility and leave me with some beautiful bruises to remember the nurse by and also found out in my husband’s word’s that his sperm is capable of winning a few golds in the Olympics.
So that is where our journey began and I am currently on…numerous blood tests- 5 internal scans- 1 outpatient hysteroscopy and biopsy- 1 inpatient hysteroscopy under GA with a D&C, biopsies and polyps removed- 1 biopsy in a clinic and 3 CRM appointments
All in the past 8 months or so.
I have also gone a little bit stir crazy and struggled and spent some days crying the whole day and other time hysterically laughed for no reason along with not getting out of bed or opening the curtains!
There we go, there’s a little insight into a rough copy of what’s gone on and our journey!
At the end of the day, if all else fails just remember… Oprah will still have no idea who I am!!