You deserve to be Okay

Sometimes in life it is the simple things that we need, and we need to literally strip it all back and start from the beginning. I think one of the main issues can be that at times identifying that beginning can be the tough part and remembering who and what you were before the context and struggles of life kicked in, and for me anything nature based does that and I have a massive love affair with the woods and trees and animals and so the time I spent at Center Parcs with my family was perfect for that. The only missing thing was my husband! no-wifi

Center Parcs was such a lovely time and we were visited by ducks, squirrels, different little birds and a particular visitor was a little robin, greedy pigeons and also deer. It was just such a beautiful place and a lovely time!

I am not going to lie, things have been really tough since I got back with regards to this endometriosis flare. It isn’t calming down at all and some days it is really bad in which I have to use morphine to try and gain control over the pain but then some days are not as bad as others. Its just a take it at a day thing which is really frustrating.  It has meant that I’ve had to stay at home as much as possible as I just become exhausted pretty quickly and one simple task can take me out and leave me crying the next day but hopefully tomorrow will be a massive help as its the next dreaded appointment! ARGH… I am absolutely dreading it so much its unreal!

bad-hiding
If I am needed, please locate your nearest box and have a look!

I just don’t have good feelings about it all and I was saying to my mum that I don’t really trust our local hospital (despite actually used to working in it). I don’t feel they give me all the information and I just get bad vibes about it.

I personally like to be prepared and so in preparation I know the best NHS fertility clinic in the UK now, I have a quote for treatment from both Spain and Sweden (with regards to Sweden, I’m thinking if Ikea is good for everything and they are Swedish then surely treatment would be good too!! Spain just makes me think of sangria and who doesn’t love sangria) and I have also found the best private UK clinic. So I feel a little prepared as I also have like 10 questions written down… he is gonna hate me tomorrow!!

That Swedish clinic also does womb transplants… learn something new every day!

This process though, this fertility malarkey is a strange one really. Some days you feel you’ve got it sorted, other days you feel nothing in your life is ever going to be sorted and some days its just like… meh! I mean all these infertility feelings are ultimately all surrounded by and are basically a basis for fear but above all the fear of the unknown but regardless of it all that is a bridge you have to cross and a barrier you may have to find yourself going into full warrior mode to break through.

At the moment I totally can’t be bothered to do warrior mode, I barely have enough energy to clean my teeth (OK, maybe a bit OTT but you get the picture!)on-the-other-side-of-fear-3 Imagine if one day you woke up one day and the world wasn’t as you knew it and there was this dude in a dress and sandals (hopefully without socks) who claimed to be God and he was like right ok, so you can have everything you want and everything you have been praying for (and then he reels off a massive list) but in order to get there you are going to have to climb the biggest mountains, cross the scariest of bridges and then you have to tackle the biggest of spiders (ARGH… like serious ARGH)! I would do it minus the end bit… don’t get me started on them, I won’t sleep for a week!! Would you do it? Raw honesty?

The best thing about it all, is that for me… it is scary, it is covered in fear and at times it does seem impossible but the one thing I’ve got to remember is that God has promised me good things, he has promised me so much and he promises you so much too but he doesn’t put all those restrictions and terms on his promises. He won’t make you climb to the highest of mountains, cross the less ropiest rope bridge and tackle the things you are most scared of, for him then to be like ah right ok… you’ve done it, here’s your expensive house, car, designer dog, perfect husband, 10 million pound bank account and in my case your child. He doesn’t do that, he isn’t about jumping hoops because to be totally honest, if we have to jump through a hoop it needs to be big enough for both him and me because he walks with me, he talks with me, he cries with me and above all he wants the best for me.

Does knowing all this make it any easier? Hell no, if anything it makes it harder but the journey and he is worth it, even if I’m totally honest and at times convince myself and tell him that he is not, he is not worth it and I do not care about what he thinks because this is what I want and I want it soon so you better start doing something! God isn’t a safe option, but he is a good option! safe-mr-beaver

It’s tough, its a constant battle of the emotions, of the mind, of the heart and of the soul.

God knows the desires of my heart and he knows what I want more then anything, I want my boys and then my little girl. Will all this work out, will I get them? I don’t know but I at the moment would do anything to have them but I am also learning to treasure the moments without them. The moments it is just me, Mr and the fluffy bunny (who is poorly and needs to be syringe fed and cost us a hefty amount at the vets last night but should be back to his cheeky self in no time!)

I just had enough recently, enough of feeling so ill with this flare, enough of being in a situation where I don’t feel we achieve enough and enough of just being a boring household and so was trying to entice Mr into agreeing to do something crazy but he didn’t buy any of my ideas which were:

  • Become world travelling seafaring pirates
  • Opening up an orphanage in Kenya
  • Building a tree house and jungle retreat in Borneo
  • Back packing around Australia, New Zealand and Asia chasing the sunset
  • Building a bridge to the moon

As you could most probably guess they all got a firm no!

 

Although he did agree to going to the beach on Saturday (baring in mind it is FREEZING, nearly November and we live in one of the most land locked destinations in the UK) I feel I have committed now and so we need to do it! Who doesn’t love a wintery beach?? I just pray it won’t be windy haha!!

So that’s pretty much me at the moment. We will get there and things will be ok, its just the ups and downs and pain and all that jazz but here is a word of advice from a bunny in a mug of tea (DISCLAIMER- Bunnies should never be allowed to relax in a mug of tea!!!)deserve-to-be-ok

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be okay and just remember that tough times come and go but everyone gets there in the end and you can totally do what ever you need to do and if you feel you can’t and you never will… then here’s a picture of a bear for you to look at enjoying his lovely flower!

bear-with-a-flower

 

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