and she laughed- oh she laughed!

need-timeThis just perfectly sums up how I am feeling.

I’m finding things tough, so very, very tough and I am so fed up but I have no idea how to get myself back to a place where I feel in control.

I’m tired and just feel internally fidgety like something is itching but I don’t know what, something is going on… life is a bit heavy at the moment and we are getting closer and closer to our next appointment that never fills my soul with hope! I totally don’t like that place.

I just feel like I need to step off the world, regroup, clear my head and then step back on and carry on!

It isn’t a surprise to those that know me, how I’ve been feeling quite sick and poorly lately for about the past 3 weeks and things aren’t improving at all, if anything they are getting worse which at times makes me throw a pity party for one! Today things have got much worse and we ended up in gynae A&E for about 3 and a half hours. I mean we are so lucky and fortunate to have the NHS and the fact that I could go and book myself in, see a nurse, see a doctor who also discussed my case with a consultant, have bloods taken and put through as urgent and leave with pain meds as they couldn’t do anything else and not have to outwardly pay a penny for that service- incredible!

The not so incredible thing is the journey we are on. My GP stated when I last spoke to her on Thursday that if these new meds don’t work for my bleeding then we are in specialist territory and it is much out of their depth but the doctors are going to have to have a real think about how I am managed in the long term. Nothing seems to be easing and my bleeding and pain was much worse today and my friend advised me that they should be working by now and so that when I decided to take a trip to the hospital.

The doctor at the hospital stated that their hands are tied until I am seen in the clinic for my next appointment and it is basically just riding it out, taking pain meds, resting (not really an amazing option at the moment with so much academic work to do) and taking the tranexamic acid to try and stop the bleeding. He was like the only way we can really solve this and hopefully help is to make you pregnant asap because that’s the only way I can see helping you and stopping the bleeding and pelvic pain as we can’t keep doing D&C’s as you’ve had 3 already… IF ONLY IT WAS SO FRIGGING EASY!!

So that was that, yet alone they don’t know what they can realistically do and I am just praying that we get a real solution at the next appointment.

I kinda have this phrase with my friends that when it gets a bit too bad and I can’t cope I inform them that I don’t want to adult anymore and I simply don’t feel like I can adult… but at the moment its gone one step further… bunny-adulting

Being a bunny would be so much easier… I LOVE bunnies!! We actually have an adorable fluffy house rabbit and he is just awesome, he thinks he is a dog but he is adorable and oh so very cute!

Things are tough, things are flipping tough and I just don’t have the energy. It just seems that things are constantly coming up to remind me of my journey and the road we are on and just when things seem to be ok within me, I get shaken. We were informed last weekend that 2 couples we know and one we are good friends with are expecting babies and its bloody tough, I would say it reminds you- but it’s more like a stabbing that they have got the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it hurts, my God does it hurt!  I sat there with one couple with tears streaming down my face trying to convince them that I was happy for them. I am so happy for them but oh so very sad for us!

I just don’t know what to do with myself, don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do… I hate times like this, I just feel like I need to escape to a beautiful place, where I feel I can breathe and just be like “Right, OK God… let’s get some things sorted” and just enjoy nature and listen and take it all in!

bunny-signal

I need my stars more than ever at the moment, I need to know it’s all going to be ok and I need my body to work and do what it is supposed to flipping do.

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I think I also feel more crap as I was supposed to be out with a friend tonight and was planning on consuming various amounts of gin, prosecco and anything else going with dark chocolate, giggles and hilarious conversation but today I’ve cried, hugged the toilet as thought I was gonna be sick, flooded in my fav pj’s, sat in a hospital for a few hours whilst going through research articles with a highlighter, had an internal by a man I barely know in scrubs (don’t know him out of scrubs either) and taken as much medication as it is safe for me to do so and still feeling absolutely shocking!

Today is one of those days (it’s been a few weeks actually) where I feel like sticking my middle finger up to the frigging world and telling it where to go and also wondering why all this shitty stuff isn’t ending!

All I want is a functioning womb

All I want is a baby

All I want is to forget everything

All I want it to feel like the real, old me, someone I can identify with because I feel a part of me has gone, a part of who I used to be… this journey has changed me, it’s shaped me and I want to go back to the whole worrying about trivial stuff, not having huge decisions hanging over me and also being a crazy, carefree individual.

I want to run around like a mad head, I want to dream with no limitations, I want to sit on the hill with my best friend and talk about how when we both meet our forever partners we will have kids and they will be close in age and we will bring them up to be best friends too and we will be each others God mothers for the children and that it is going to be so much fun, not sit on the sofa with her saying I how much I love my husband and I’m so glad I found him but I don’t know if I can have children and all the worries surrounding that.

I want to be me, I want to have a reason to honestly smile without a very raw reason to not smile but smile anyway to hold back the tears.

I hated who I used to be, but now I miss her!

pain-changed-me

She was full of life, she was undemanding, she was a dreamer, she didn’t really have many fears and it was rare to shed a tear, she thought the world was her oyster, she never questioned God’s plans over her life and she laughed- oh she laughed!

she-lost-herself

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Sneaky Tears!!

Some days I just feel sad and I have no reasoning or any idea as to why I feel so sad but it just feels consuming, like every optimistic and faith filled molecule within your whole being has been replaced with emptiness and sadness. Sometimes that sadness and consuming feeling can be so easy to hide, other times it comes out in anger and other times, the majority of the time for myself it comes out in quietness and tears. It’s like an outward quietness though but inside my head is racing and my heart is pounding and it’s just an internal disaster.

Today is one of those days, today I feel I have been consumed but I have no idea why. Today I just feel sad and hopeless and just quiet. Today has been a day full of sneaky tears (sneaky as in they just appear and make your face wet and you don’t know why they are escaping!!) and it’s not even 3pm yet. On days like this there is nothing really that helps, and that is miserable!

Even chocolate isn’t helping… you know it’s bad when chocolate doesn’t help and gin is not an option at the moment!!

Today I want to curl into a ball, today I want to know it is all going to be ok, today I want to know it is all going to be worth it and today I want to know that I am making the right decisions for our future because at the moment, it all seems a little too much and a little impossible.

Today is a sad day and I wanted to be honest with how I feel because if you asked me in person, I fear I may crumble if I am going to be honest and so to save myself from that- I will tell you I am fine and I will put on a smile but the reality is far from the truth.

today-my

Wiggle room

So I just spent the past 30 mins reading all different post’s on what is good to eat and what’s not and also the superfood’s and all that jazz and I am happy to report I think they are satisfactory and I’m happy with what they class as superfoods but to be honest, I do sit her wondering to myself why the fudge I do it to myself (just for the record fudge isn’t included!!) I actually don’t know why I’m writing this today as I had an office day to get some paperwork done but also introduced myself to my new workplace (those that were in) as I start a new little adventure in a few weeks and so spent pretty much the whole day looking at a screen and then come home and do the same before heading out tonight!

My new job is a little bit strange really, it’s a total God thing but to be fair I don’t understand why I’m doing it. The job in which it is for has been in the forefront of my mind for a while but I didn’t expect to actually do it.

I had a plan, I was going to stay in my previous job until I had a baby and then I was going to hand my notice in whilst I was on maternity and try and work elsewhere and continue being part time but was thinking of being more part time then I was so like 2 days a week or something like that.

To cut a long story short (can’t be bothered to type it all up) I got a new job, which I didn’t even know was being advertised for and it was someone else who wanted to chat to me about applying who mentioned it and I just felt a little interested and so applied too. Please don’t think I went into mega ninja stealth mode and applied behind their back, I did ask them if they were OK for me to apply too and in the end I got it and they didn’t even get an interview which believe me is MEGA AWKWARD but then I also got this position which means that I get a high qualification and have a pretty good road mapped out ahead for me career wise BUT that was never my plan!!

I was happy to stay somewhere I was unhappy with, where I had more boring days then happy days and also a job in which I dreaded come Sunday evening because in my crazy head I knew it was worth holding onto until I fell pregnant due to the maternity benefits and plus it was only 3 days a week.

So I’ve gone into this new job- oh it is also full time and then my newest job coming up is going to be extremely hard core and intensive for the next year, fab and then let’s chuck in all this fertility treatment stuff which is also mega stressful and you have a perfect concoction that leaves me thinking WHY??!!??

Why have I been lead on the path I am embarking on now??

I like to be planned and organised as much as possible and I always had this idea in my head that when I fell pregnant I would be able to focus on the pregnancy as much as possible, mark and celebrate all the little milestones, take lighter duties at work and then once the baby was born I would be able to spend as much time as possible with the child, go back to work maybe 2 days a week and put them in minimal day care and then be this baking, home cooked, organic, eco mother warrior galore!

Ah how that makes me laugh a little now but also feel a little bit sad as I know the reality will be far from that!!

My reality now is that I won’t be able to focus on the pregnancy as much when it happens because at the moment for that year my career is going to need to take priority to an extent and I am also going to need to work pretty much full time to establish my career so that I can make a better future for us all.

This all became even more of a realistic thing this morning when I got out the car and realised I had some white dried on substance (of the dairy/soya/coconut kind) on my black jeans when I got out the car and was like searching crazy for some wet wipes to wipe it off with. In my head I was like “ha, you wait until that is baby sick, snot or dried milk and your gonna need to do the sniff test to discover what it is- this is a glimpse of a working mum

Then it was even more of a snippet as I went to work absolutely shattered giving the fact that the kitten we are looking after kept waking me up in the night to from what I could gather have a frigging chat and play and so I had this teeny thing stealing my sleep just like a baby would and then I locked the cat in the hall after 4 hours of being woken every 25 mins, unlike what I would do to a baby!! To make it even more realistic- the husband didn’t hear the kitten and I am being told this also happens when I baby comes onto the scene!!

Right there and then, I had a snippet of my future!!

I then spent the rest of the day thinking about gin!! Seriously, the thought of gin and the weekend has got me through today!

Plans are great in theory, unless you are totally about them being set in stone and NEVER changing then maybe you should think about if plans are for you.

I personally have had to learn that any plans I make have an 80% chance of changing and I used to find this really annoying and frustrating at the beginning. I used to have a mental and heart hissy fit where I would be like THIS IS NOT CHANGING I MADE A PLAN!!!! But when things are taken out of your control you learn you don’t have a choice.

There was quite a period of time when I was extremely sick within the past 5 years when I couldn’t make a plan, the only think I could count on was that the sun was going to come up the next day and those stars were going to eventually twinkle in the night sky.

In making plans, usually the first thing you plan on doing that morning is waking up and getting up- I couldn’t even plan that, I could not tell you from one day to the other if I would be able to physically get out of bed. Sounds extreme I know, but that was my reality.When that happens you have to learn that plans can change, that was a season in my life when I made no plans what so ever but it is also a season in which God sustained me and I can confidently say that I have come through that season and I am a million miles from that season but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a flare up and be back there again but we are trusting God that season is over.

Sometimes knowing you can’t really do anything to change the situation does not help in the slightest and that’s when frustration sets in and also when the human mind as such takes over. This whole journey we are on as a married couple, always being asked when we are going to have kids is tough and I have struggled immensely and some days are so, so tough to put one foot in front of the other and I just want a time machine to go forward 5 years and see if the heart ache, the brokenness, the faith battle is actually going to be worth it.profound worship

Some days the plans that I made are so, so far from reality and what I can see happening that I just don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing, Why I’m doing it and when I am going to stop doing it… I literally just don’t know what to do or how to do it and in those days you just merely exist rather than live.

Those are some of the most frustrating times and at home I am not a joy to be around because I am as sharp and as grumpy as can be and the majority of time my sarcastic side comes out to battle, and oh what a battle she conducts! cant deicde

I am so glad that I am in a place where I can now make and the majority of the time stick to the plans with a bit of wiggle room. Wiggle room can be joyous and I have learned to love wiggle room because some times it turns out better than anticipated and the original plans! I Just need to remind myself of that often.

I am blessed enough to be having plans that I am really looking forward to, a little get away with the husband, dinners out with friends, attending weddings but above all… getting a bottle of gin after work tomorrow as its payday (please don’t judge me, it will last me over a month) Woooooooo!!!