You deserve to be Okay

Sometimes in life it is the simple things that we need, and we need to literally strip it all back and start from the beginning. I think one of the main issues can be that at times identifying that beginning can be the tough part and remembering who and what you were before the context and struggles of life kicked in, and for me anything nature based does that and I have a massive love affair with the woods and trees and animals and so the time I spent at Center Parcs with my family was perfect for that. The only missing thing was my husband! no-wifi

Center Parcs was such a lovely time and we were visited by ducks, squirrels, different little birds and a particular visitor was a little robin, greedy pigeons and also deer. It was just such a beautiful place and a lovely time!

I am not going to lie, things have been really tough since I got back with regards to this endometriosis flare. It isn’t calming down at all and some days it is really bad in which I have to use morphine to try and gain control over the pain but then some days are not as bad as others. Its just a take it at a day thing which is really frustrating.  It has meant that I’ve had to stay at home as much as possible as I just become exhausted pretty quickly and one simple task can take me out and leave me crying the next day but hopefully tomorrow will be a massive help as its the next dreaded appointment! ARGH… I am absolutely dreading it so much its unreal!

bad-hiding
If I am needed, please locate your nearest box and have a look!

I just don’t have good feelings about it all and I was saying to my mum that I don’t really trust our local hospital (despite actually used to working in it). I don’t feel they give me all the information and I just get bad vibes about it.

I personally like to be prepared and so in preparation I know the best NHS fertility clinic in the UK now, I have a quote for treatment from both Spain and Sweden (with regards to Sweden, I’m thinking if Ikea is good for everything and they are Swedish then surely treatment would be good too!! Spain just makes me think of sangria and who doesn’t love sangria) and I have also found the best private UK clinic. So I feel a little prepared as I also have like 10 questions written down… he is gonna hate me tomorrow!!

That Swedish clinic also does womb transplants… learn something new every day!

This process though, this fertility malarkey is a strange one really. Some days you feel you’ve got it sorted, other days you feel nothing in your life is ever going to be sorted and some days its just like… meh! I mean all these infertility feelings are ultimately all surrounded by and are basically a basis for fear but above all the fear of the unknown but regardless of it all that is a bridge you have to cross and a barrier you may have to find yourself going into full warrior mode to break through.

At the moment I totally can’t be bothered to do warrior mode, I barely have enough energy to clean my teeth (OK, maybe a bit OTT but you get the picture!)on-the-other-side-of-fear-3 Imagine if one day you woke up one day and the world wasn’t as you knew it and there was this dude in a dress and sandals (hopefully without socks) who claimed to be God and he was like right ok, so you can have everything you want and everything you have been praying for (and then he reels off a massive list) but in order to get there you are going to have to climb the biggest mountains, cross the scariest of bridges and then you have to tackle the biggest of spiders (ARGH… like serious ARGH)! I would do it minus the end bit… don’t get me started on them, I won’t sleep for a week!! Would you do it? Raw honesty?

The best thing about it all, is that for me… it is scary, it is covered in fear and at times it does seem impossible but the one thing I’ve got to remember is that God has promised me good things, he has promised me so much and he promises you so much too but he doesn’t put all those restrictions and terms on his promises. He won’t make you climb to the highest of mountains, cross the less ropiest rope bridge and tackle the things you are most scared of, for him then to be like ah right ok… you’ve done it, here’s your expensive house, car, designer dog, perfect husband, 10 million pound bank account and in my case your child. He doesn’t do that, he isn’t about jumping hoops because to be totally honest, if we have to jump through a hoop it needs to be big enough for both him and me because he walks with me, he talks with me, he cries with me and above all he wants the best for me.

Does knowing all this make it any easier? Hell no, if anything it makes it harder but the journey and he is worth it, even if I’m totally honest and at times convince myself and tell him that he is not, he is not worth it and I do not care about what he thinks because this is what I want and I want it soon so you better start doing something! God isn’t a safe option, but he is a good option! safe-mr-beaver

It’s tough, its a constant battle of the emotions, of the mind, of the heart and of the soul.

God knows the desires of my heart and he knows what I want more then anything, I want my boys and then my little girl. Will all this work out, will I get them? I don’t know but I at the moment would do anything to have them but I am also learning to treasure the moments without them. The moments it is just me, Mr and the fluffy bunny (who is poorly and needs to be syringe fed and cost us a hefty amount at the vets last night but should be back to his cheeky self in no time!)

I just had enough recently, enough of feeling so ill with this flare, enough of being in a situation where I don’t feel we achieve enough and enough of just being a boring household and so was trying to entice Mr into agreeing to do something crazy but he didn’t buy any of my ideas which were:

  • Become world travelling seafaring pirates
  • Opening up an orphanage in Kenya
  • Building a tree house and jungle retreat in Borneo
  • Back packing around Australia, New Zealand and Asia chasing the sunset
  • Building a bridge to the moon

As you could most probably guess they all got a firm no!

 

Although he did agree to going to the beach on Saturday (baring in mind it is FREEZING, nearly November and we live in one of the most land locked destinations in the UK) I feel I have committed now and so we need to do it! Who doesn’t love a wintery beach?? I just pray it won’t be windy haha!!

So that’s pretty much me at the moment. We will get there and things will be ok, its just the ups and downs and pain and all that jazz but here is a word of advice from a bunny in a mug of tea (DISCLAIMER- Bunnies should never be allowed to relax in a mug of tea!!!)deserve-to-be-ok

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be okay and just remember that tough times come and go but everyone gets there in the end and you can totally do what ever you need to do and if you feel you can’t and you never will… then here’s a picture of a bear for you to look at enjoying his lovely flower!

bear-with-a-flower

 

and she laughed- oh she laughed!

need-timeThis just perfectly sums up how I am feeling.

I’m finding things tough, so very, very tough and I am so fed up but I have no idea how to get myself back to a place where I feel in control.

I’m tired and just feel internally fidgety like something is itching but I don’t know what, something is going on… life is a bit heavy at the moment and we are getting closer and closer to our next appointment that never fills my soul with hope! I totally don’t like that place.

I just feel like I need to step off the world, regroup, clear my head and then step back on and carry on!

It isn’t a surprise to those that know me, how I’ve been feeling quite sick and poorly lately for about the past 3 weeks and things aren’t improving at all, if anything they are getting worse which at times makes me throw a pity party for one! Today things have got much worse and we ended up in gynae A&E for about 3 and a half hours. I mean we are so lucky and fortunate to have the NHS and the fact that I could go and book myself in, see a nurse, see a doctor who also discussed my case with a consultant, have bloods taken and put through as urgent and leave with pain meds as they couldn’t do anything else and not have to outwardly pay a penny for that service- incredible!

The not so incredible thing is the journey we are on. My GP stated when I last spoke to her on Thursday that if these new meds don’t work for my bleeding then we are in specialist territory and it is much out of their depth but the doctors are going to have to have a real think about how I am managed in the long term. Nothing seems to be easing and my bleeding and pain was much worse today and my friend advised me that they should be working by now and so that when I decided to take a trip to the hospital.

The doctor at the hospital stated that their hands are tied until I am seen in the clinic for my next appointment and it is basically just riding it out, taking pain meds, resting (not really an amazing option at the moment with so much academic work to do) and taking the tranexamic acid to try and stop the bleeding. He was like the only way we can really solve this and hopefully help is to make you pregnant asap because that’s the only way I can see helping you and stopping the bleeding and pelvic pain as we can’t keep doing D&C’s as you’ve had 3 already… IF ONLY IT WAS SO FRIGGING EASY!!

So that was that, yet alone they don’t know what they can realistically do and I am just praying that we get a real solution at the next appointment.

I kinda have this phrase with my friends that when it gets a bit too bad and I can’t cope I inform them that I don’t want to adult anymore and I simply don’t feel like I can adult… but at the moment its gone one step further… bunny-adulting

Being a bunny would be so much easier… I LOVE bunnies!! We actually have an adorable fluffy house rabbit and he is just awesome, he thinks he is a dog but he is adorable and oh so very cute!

Things are tough, things are flipping tough and I just don’t have the energy. It just seems that things are constantly coming up to remind me of my journey and the road we are on and just when things seem to be ok within me, I get shaken. We were informed last weekend that 2 couples we know and one we are good friends with are expecting babies and its bloody tough, I would say it reminds you- but it’s more like a stabbing that they have got the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it hurts, my God does it hurt!  I sat there with one couple with tears streaming down my face trying to convince them that I was happy for them. I am so happy for them but oh so very sad for us!

I just don’t know what to do with myself, don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do… I hate times like this, I just feel like I need to escape to a beautiful place, where I feel I can breathe and just be like “Right, OK God… let’s get some things sorted” and just enjoy nature and listen and take it all in!

bunny-signal

I need my stars more than ever at the moment, I need to know it’s all going to be ok and I need my body to work and do what it is supposed to flipping do.

do-your-job

I think I also feel more crap as I was supposed to be out with a friend tonight and was planning on consuming various amounts of gin, prosecco and anything else going with dark chocolate, giggles and hilarious conversation but today I’ve cried, hugged the toilet as thought I was gonna be sick, flooded in my fav pj’s, sat in a hospital for a few hours whilst going through research articles with a highlighter, had an internal by a man I barely know in scrubs (don’t know him out of scrubs either) and taken as much medication as it is safe for me to do so and still feeling absolutely shocking!

Today is one of those days (it’s been a few weeks actually) where I feel like sticking my middle finger up to the frigging world and telling it where to go and also wondering why all this shitty stuff isn’t ending!

All I want is a functioning womb

All I want is a baby

All I want is to forget everything

All I want it to feel like the real, old me, someone I can identify with because I feel a part of me has gone, a part of who I used to be… this journey has changed me, it’s shaped me and I want to go back to the whole worrying about trivial stuff, not having huge decisions hanging over me and also being a crazy, carefree individual.

I want to run around like a mad head, I want to dream with no limitations, I want to sit on the hill with my best friend and talk about how when we both meet our forever partners we will have kids and they will be close in age and we will bring them up to be best friends too and we will be each others God mothers for the children and that it is going to be so much fun, not sit on the sofa with her saying I how much I love my husband and I’m so glad I found him but I don’t know if I can have children and all the worries surrounding that.

I want to be me, I want to have a reason to honestly smile without a very raw reason to not smile but smile anyway to hold back the tears.

I hated who I used to be, but now I miss her!

pain-changed-me

She was full of life, she was undemanding, she was a dreamer, she didn’t really have many fears and it was rare to shed a tear, she thought the world was her oyster, she never questioned God’s plans over her life and she laughed- oh she laughed!

she-lost-herself

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

I kind of have this slight love affair with the stars. Stars are amazing and its not been a new love, I remember when I was younger star gazing was one of my favourite activities to do with my best friend.

I remember we were on holiday and it was a clear night and so we got all the blankets out, wrapped up with ALL the layers we could physically wear (kind of like a Joey from friends situation) and went out and laid on the soggy grass to look up at the stars and just chat and dream.

You see, for me stars are a hope. These God placed, God breathed balls of gas give me hope. To me they symbolise beauty in the darkest of situations. Many people fear darkness, many people fear the night but for me there is comfort because it is never truly dark, the night is never truly pitch black because if you look up there is a wealth of stars (unless your in the UK and then you may just have a wealth of clouds) but things on this Earth come and go, things change, situations get better and worse but one thing that won’t change are the stars.

I absolutely adore this line of a poem from ‘The Old Astronomer To His Pupil’ by Sarah Williamssarah williams

You see the stars are a bit like God. Things on earth are ever changing, situations come and go but the one constant thing that will never change is God and it is all through the scriptures, it has been documented all through time about God and people have their own opinions on what God is, just like stars. Although I have never met anyone who denies stars exist!lion king stars

No matter what’s happening on the earth and no matter what changes or what disaster happens the one thing we know for certain is that when the natural light starts to get low this is when the stars come out. When darkness starts to consume the earth the stars are there, burning away and giving some light. Darkness can consume the majority of things but it can’t consume stars. It can’t consume hope, faith and grace. It can’t consume God but believe me it has a flipping good attempt and sometimes those stars are really hard to see.

I remember it was a Friday and I was at work and we had a quiet spell as it had gone past the cut of point for people to come and we just had to get through those that were there. They were all waiting for other members of the team to see them, and so I decided to call and get my blood results for that really expensive blood test that measures the ovarian reserve and basically measures fertility. I was a little bit excited but was also confident that it would be fine because we had been told that if that is good then it makes everything easier and it is normally fine for someone my age in the majority of circumstances, I had a good feeling.

I could just imagine it, the results would be fine, there was nothing wrong with me and it was just a timing thing. The results are going to be ok, maybe a little low but OK!!

So I called up and gave my details. It was only when they kept asking me for my name and date of birth about 3 times as well as getting me to confirm my age that something within me just didn’t feel right.

Umm, Ok Mrs …, I can call you that or would you prefer your first name? Ok, so for someone your age, 27, your levels should be between 17-54, that’s the normal levels for a 27 year old roughly. OK? and yours is 3.03. That is low even for a menopausal women let alone someone who is 27. We will discuss it with you more at your next appointment which I can see is in 2 and a half months time”

I simply thanked her and hung up. I had a split second when I didn’t know what to do, someone walked into the bay I was in and took one look at me and I quickly made an exit into the staff room, tears started burning my face. You know how some people say that they got some news that made them feel physically sick? Well I was always like “aww I’m so sorry that must of felt awful” but I never really knew how awful it would feel, I just imagined it not really being a feeling until that moment. That’s when I knew what it felt like, it isn’t just awful its horrid and one of the worse feelings going! Even to this day, when I think of that and even now as I type I can feel it. A deep routed feeling of dread and your stomach turns and It’s something you can’t really explain, I just hope the majority of people never experience it.

3.03…Is a number I hate, its a number that fills me with absolute dread even to this day. This was the one thing I was banking on being ok. After my other blood tests and learning my progesterone was under 1, I was hoping my AMH wouldn’t let me down.

I was sent home from work as I looked awful and I remember calling up my mum and sobbing on the way home. She apologised so much, told me she wished things were different for me but I just sobbed. Nothing apart from the number 3.03 was going through my head and the thought that I was going to throw up at any time.

I cried and I cried and I lost hope and I felt absolutely devastated. I was scared, I was doubting God, I didn’t understand. It’s then that it all really sunk in, it was an internal disaster.

I felt like my world crumbled around me.

I wanted to be able to have children with no medical intervention. I wanted a much welcomed ‘surprise’ after a weekend away or maybe a little too much to drink. I always imagined peeing on that stick because I didn’t feel right and it being positive and putting my plans into action to let him know he was going to be a daddy. To phone my best friend and be so excited because I was pregnant and make baby shower plans and go a little over the top with her and be like this is how I am going to tell him.

Naturally, that is what I want and what I pray for, natural.

At my next appointment the results were discussed and due to the results the consultant informed me that more than likely we are looking at IVF and also time is very important and we need to get all other things sorted for the best outcome. This would also involve me needing a procedure to look in my womb because there were concerns that the lining was getting thicker despite me bleeding and having awful periods but there was a high risk due to my medical history and also due to how think the lining was and so he could only refer me to one person and she may not be able to do it. He was doing all he could to avoid me needing another surgery.

I walked out of that room feeling numb. I knew I had things to do like loose weight to get my BMI down to a particular level for treatment but I felt numb.

This is the best way to explain it, as I wrote in my journal at that time…

“To be totally honest, this place I find myself in- it’s not very starry but it is a clear night. You can see your breath in the air as your body and soul yearn to know who’s taken the stars but above all your gripped. You can’t see who or what is gripping you but it’s flipping terrifying. There are so many people around you but you feel alone and the grip doesn’t ease. it’s scary and the only reason you know it’s real is because you can see your breath, you have a pulse. They are the only two things that make you know, let you know that you and this situation are undoubtedly REAL”

I had the appointment for the hysteroscopy but it was too high risk as my womb was full of adhesions that looked like thick cobwebs and also it was really painful and there was a massive risk of perforation which would require emergency surgery, so she stopped it there and then but did manage to get a biopsy. Surgery was my next step and I wasn’t too thrilled about it.

I had my next appointment which I was basically told all I knew and I need surgery and he is listing me as urgent and also that I needed another scan and endometrial biopsy which he did there and then. I had the surgery within about 3 weeks in which they did a D&C (where they scrape away the lining), another biopsy and also some polyps removed and now I am just waiting for my next appointment at the end of October.

To be totally honest this experience so far has broken me, It has torn me apart and I have had to battle so hard to not let it destroy my faith, tear my marriage apart and also some friendships. I have chosen to be very selective who I tell what is happening and keep them updated on the progress of things and also very selective who I tell my innermost thoughts to and that has affected a few of my friendships.

The worse thing about this whole journey is you begin to despise yourself. You hate yourself for not being able to bear children for your husband when you know that is his biggest want in all the world, you hate yourself when you see him playing with other peoples children.

I must say we are so blessed to have friends who trust us so much with their children, and it does in the strangest way make the journey a little bit easier at times. Knowing you have these little treasures you can pour your energy into at that time but then at other times you just long for your own.

I remember being at a conference in London and holding my friend’s sleeping baby and just begging God to give me my own, as much as I loved the child in my arms the yearning for my own child was unbearable and I was literally begging God in that time of worship. Although my arms were full with something so, so very precious, my heart was empty and aching. It’s a pain that never truly goes away.

You long for sleepness nights, you long for a human to need you so badly that without you they would ceast to exist. You long for a little human that is yours, your pride and joy and one that you can nurture and love until the end of days.

It’s an ongoing battle and at times I just don’t know, I have little panic times when I know it’s going to get even tougher and I just don’t know if I can do it- if I have the strength to do it, I cry a heck of a lot- never ever used to be a crier and I go into a bubble which just contains me and I don’t want anyone else in my bubble. I also hide, I hide my thoughts, my feelings, my pain and my sadness until I can’t contain it anymore.

I feel broken, I feel inadequate, I feel like a failure, I don’t feel like me- I miss how I used to be at times and I hate the fact that I’ve let something destroy a part of me but one thing I know for sure is that this is just me. It’s just how I see myself and not how others see me and not how God sees me but when you feel like that, it is so hard to believe the truth and it is something I find impossible to do at times.

My comfort is in worship songs, my comfort is in my journal, my comfort is in my husband although I don’t always show it because that’s a tough thing to do at times and my comfort is in the night because I know, no matter what’s happened, I can always find a star, just like I can always catch a glimpse of God even if it is just a lyric that sounds louder then the others- I know in my heart of hearts he is there although my head tells me otherwise and when I’m crying into my pillow and when I’m worried it may just be us for ever and when my world is really, really dark something within me whispers that “a certain darkness is needed to see the stars“.