and she laughed- oh she laughed!

need-timeThis just perfectly sums up how I am feeling.

I’m finding things tough, so very, very tough and I am so fed up but I have no idea how to get myself back to a place where I feel in control.

I’m tired and just feel internally fidgety like something is itching but I don’t know what, something is going on… life is a bit heavy at the moment and we are getting closer and closer to our next appointment that never fills my soul with hope! I totally don’t like that place.

I just feel like I need to step off the world, regroup, clear my head and then step back on and carry on!

It isn’t a surprise to those that know me, how I’ve been feeling quite sick and poorly lately for about the past 3 weeks and things aren’t improving at all, if anything they are getting worse which at times makes me throw a pity party for one! Today things have got much worse and we ended up in gynae A&E for about 3 and a half hours. I mean we are so lucky and fortunate to have the NHS and the fact that I could go and book myself in, see a nurse, see a doctor who also discussed my case with a consultant, have bloods taken and put through as urgent and leave with pain meds as they couldn’t do anything else and not have to outwardly pay a penny for that service- incredible!

The not so incredible thing is the journey we are on. My GP stated when I last spoke to her on Thursday that if these new meds don’t work for my bleeding then we are in specialist territory and it is much out of their depth but the doctors are going to have to have a real think about how I am managed in the long term. Nothing seems to be easing and my bleeding and pain was much worse today and my friend advised me that they should be working by now and so that when I decided to take a trip to the hospital.

The doctor at the hospital stated that their hands are tied until I am seen in the clinic for my next appointment and it is basically just riding it out, taking pain meds, resting (not really an amazing option at the moment with so much academic work to do) and taking the tranexamic acid to try and stop the bleeding. He was like the only way we can really solve this and hopefully help is to make you pregnant asap because that’s the only way I can see helping you and stopping the bleeding and pelvic pain as we can’t keep doing D&C’s as you’ve had 3 already… IF ONLY IT WAS SO FRIGGING EASY!!

So that was that, yet alone they don’t know what they can realistically do and I am just praying that we get a real solution at the next appointment.

I kinda have this phrase with my friends that when it gets a bit too bad and I can’t cope I inform them that I don’t want to adult anymore and I simply don’t feel like I can adult… but at the moment its gone one step further… bunny-adulting

Being a bunny would be so much easier… I LOVE bunnies!! We actually have an adorable fluffy house rabbit and he is just awesome, he thinks he is a dog but he is adorable and oh so very cute!

Things are tough, things are flipping tough and I just don’t have the energy. It just seems that things are constantly coming up to remind me of my journey and the road we are on and just when things seem to be ok within me, I get shaken. We were informed last weekend that 2 couples we know and one we are good friends with are expecting babies and its bloody tough, I would say it reminds you- but it’s more like a stabbing that they have got the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it hurts, my God does it hurt!  I sat there with one couple with tears streaming down my face trying to convince them that I was happy for them. I am so happy for them but oh so very sad for us!

I just don’t know what to do with myself, don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do… I hate times like this, I just feel like I need to escape to a beautiful place, where I feel I can breathe and just be like “Right, OK God… let’s get some things sorted” and just enjoy nature and listen and take it all in!

bunny-signal

I need my stars more than ever at the moment, I need to know it’s all going to be ok and I need my body to work and do what it is supposed to flipping do.

do-your-job

I think I also feel more crap as I was supposed to be out with a friend tonight and was planning on consuming various amounts of gin, prosecco and anything else going with dark chocolate, giggles and hilarious conversation but today I’ve cried, hugged the toilet as thought I was gonna be sick, flooded in my fav pj’s, sat in a hospital for a few hours whilst going through research articles with a highlighter, had an internal by a man I barely know in scrubs (don’t know him out of scrubs either) and taken as much medication as it is safe for me to do so and still feeling absolutely shocking!

Today is one of those days (it’s been a few weeks actually) where I feel like sticking my middle finger up to the frigging world and telling it where to go and also wondering why all this shitty stuff isn’t ending!

All I want is a functioning womb

All I want is a baby

All I want is to forget everything

All I want it to feel like the real, old me, someone I can identify with because I feel a part of me has gone, a part of who I used to be… this journey has changed me, it’s shaped me and I want to go back to the whole worrying about trivial stuff, not having huge decisions hanging over me and also being a crazy, carefree individual.

I want to run around like a mad head, I want to dream with no limitations, I want to sit on the hill with my best friend and talk about how when we both meet our forever partners we will have kids and they will be close in age and we will bring them up to be best friends too and we will be each others God mothers for the children and that it is going to be so much fun, not sit on the sofa with her saying I how much I love my husband and I’m so glad I found him but I don’t know if I can have children and all the worries surrounding that.

I want to be me, I want to have a reason to honestly smile without a very raw reason to not smile but smile anyway to hold back the tears.

I hated who I used to be, but now I miss her!

pain-changed-me

She was full of life, she was undemanding, she was a dreamer, she didn’t really have many fears and it was rare to shed a tear, she thought the world was her oyster, she never questioned God’s plans over her life and she laughed- oh she laughed!

she-lost-herself

“Don’t Tell Oprah!”

So I had been thinking about writing a blog for quite a while and I was always thinking of an excuse. I mean I journal and write about stuff like that and our journey and what ever madness is happening in my head but blogging, it’s kinda one step closer to telling people about our journey and the road that we are on.

So I was out for dinner with a really good friend and we were talking about stuff and I piped up about the fact that I had been thinking about starting a blog as you never know it may actually reach some people and potentially help them.

I have been blessed or some, especially my husband may say cursed with an active imagination (it’s always much more active at night when he wants to sleep and I’m waking him up) and so I kinda go into a weird bubble where my brain is like “oooh this could happen, and this, AH I KNOW this could happen” you get the picture, kinda like a dog with squirrels, but I had this imaginary situation where my blog became the next big thing that people were talking about and as I’ve decided to kinda ghost write, it was all over the press and people were like who is the author? That turned into Oprah doing some sort of appeal and I turned around to my friend and was like “Promise me you won’t tell Oprah” So there we go, I have her word… along with another friends word that they won’t tell Oprah!!

I thought this may be a perfect little time to put down a rough time line of our journey so far. We have been together for about 8 and a bit years and married for just over 6 years and children was always something that we spoke about, always. It’s never been a secret that I wanted kids and always dreamed of having a family and since we were engaged and before hand it was always on the cards with names being picked out and all that jazz. I remember dinners out and we were discussing names and what we wanted for our hypothetical family and that was always a comfortable place, it was always the butterflies in tummy material.

I never ever thought that maybe there was a potential that I couldn’t have children. Everyone in my family, a sibling, cousins and so forth had no problem having children therefore, I would have no issues either. The reality of the situation I am in now never crossed my mind.

So in 2009 when my gynae issues started even then the idea of kids and my ideology about us having children wasn’t affected. Due to a few different things I went private as my symptoms got even more severe on honeymoon, but I had complete trust in my consultant as she was one of the best you could get and I was just like ok, so i’ll take this medication and have surgery and then be absolutely fine with regards to family.

We weren’t using any protection of any kind and I was given the all clear from the gynae and all my hormone levels were fine but each month or so I would get my period, there was no sign of a baby. Sure it was always in the back of my mind at this point but it was just a niggle right, I’d be fine!

Fast forward to 2014 when everything kicked off again and I needed urgent surgery to stop my bleeding and I went back to the same consultant and it was her that questioned me and informed me due to how long it has been, I am entitled to IVF. Got that surgery sorted and then we carried on trying.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I took a test as I had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, and I can’t tell you how each time, every negative test tore a part of me away.

I remember one time going to the GP as I hadn’t had a period for about 4 months and the Dr turned round to me and was like “Do you want children?” I obviously said yes and then to get a reply of “Well you may have to get used to the idea that you can’t, we won’t do anything until you’ve had no period for a few more months” I remember going to home group and sobbing all the way there shouting at God and then sat on my friends sofa and sobbed for 3 hours straight.

That put me off going to the Dr’s again.

About September 2015 I got the courage to go to my GP again (totally saw a different one, avoided that one like the plague since) after being bugged by a few friends and psyching myself up and explained everything and since they had all my gynae history (there is a heck of a lot for a 28 year old now) she referred me straight away.

That was a strange time, I felt it was too easy and there was no challenges or uber awkward questions like “how often do you have sex and is it always with your husband?” or “how many times do you scratch your back with a porcupine after sex?” and all that jazz… it was simple, too simple and she was absolutely lovely!

This kinda lead me on a flipping heck this is real situation and I really, REALLY struggled with the fact we were seeking fertility treatment. The appointment came through mega fast like within 3 months and that’s when we walked through the doors of our local centre of reproductive medicine (CRM).

The forms, the 85 million forms you have to fill in! You kinda loose the will to live whilst filling in the forms and you even end up questioning who you are, what is your occupation and why are you there and how many partners do you have? You are so certain of your identity when you walk in and searching for it when you walk out.

We had the appointment, paid a stupid amount of money for a blood test that was to indicate my fertility and leave me with some beautiful bruises to remember the nurse by and also found out in my husband’s word’s that his sperm is capable of winning a few golds in the Olympics.

So that is where our journey began and I am currently on…numerous blood tests- 5 internal scans- 1 outpatient hysteroscopy and biopsy- 1 inpatient hysteroscopy under GA with a D&C, biopsies and polyps removed- 1 biopsy in a clinic and 3 CRM appointments

All in the past 8 months or so.

I have also gone a little bit stir crazy and struggled and spent some days crying the whole day and other time hysterically laughed for no reason along with not getting out of bed or opening the curtains!

There we go, there’s a little insight into a rough copy of what’s gone on and our journey!

At the end of the day, if all else fails just remember… Oprah will still have no idea who I am!!