“Don’t Tell Oprah!”

So I had been thinking about writing a blog for quite a while and I was always thinking of an excuse. I mean I journal and write about stuff like that and our journey and what ever madness is happening in my head but blogging, it’s kinda one step closer to telling people about our journey and the road that we are on.

So I was out for dinner with a really good friend and we were talking about stuff and I piped up about the fact that I had been thinking about starting a blog as you never know it may actually reach some people and potentially help them.

I have been blessed or some, especially my husband may say cursed with an active imagination (it’s always much more active at night when he wants to sleep and I’m waking him up) and so I kinda go into a weird bubble where my brain is like “oooh this could happen, and this, AH I KNOW this could happen” you get the picture, kinda like a dog with squirrels, but I had this imaginary situation where my blog became the next big thing that people were talking about and as I’ve decided to kinda ghost write, it was all over the press and people were like who is the author? That turned into Oprah doing some sort of appeal and I turned around to my friend and was like “Promise me you won’t tell Oprah” So there we go, I have her word… along with another friends word that they won’t tell Oprah!!

I thought this may be a perfect little time to put down a rough time line of our journey so far. We have been together for about 8 and a bit years and married for just over 6 years and children was always something that we spoke about, always. It’s never been a secret that I wanted kids and always dreamed of having a family and since we were engaged and before hand it was always on the cards with names being picked out and all that jazz. I remember dinners out and we were discussing names and what we wanted for our hypothetical family and that was always a comfortable place, it was always the butterflies in tummy material.

I never ever thought that maybe there was a potential that I couldn’t have children. Everyone in my family, a sibling, cousins and so forth had no problem having children therefore, I would have no issues either. The reality of the situation I am in now never crossed my mind.

So in 2009 when my gynae issues started even then the idea of kids and my ideology about us having children wasn’t affected. Due to a few different things I went private as my symptoms got even more severe on honeymoon, but I had complete trust in my consultant as she was one of the best you could get and I was just like ok, so i’ll take this medication and have surgery and then be absolutely fine with regards to family.

We weren’t using any protection of any kind and I was given the all clear from the gynae and all my hormone levels were fine but each month or so I would get my period, there was no sign of a baby. Sure it was always in the back of my mind at this point but it was just a niggle right, I’d be fine!

Fast forward to 2014 when everything kicked off again and I needed urgent surgery to stop my bleeding and I went back to the same consultant and it was her that questioned me and informed me due to how long it has been, I am entitled to IVF. Got that surgery sorted and then we carried on trying.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I took a test as I had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, and I can’t tell you how each time, every negative test tore a part of me away.

I remember one time going to the GP as I hadn’t had a period for about 4 months and the Dr turned round to me and was like “Do you want children?” I obviously said yes and then to get a reply of “Well you may have to get used to the idea that you can’t, we won’t do anything until you’ve had no period for a few more months” I remember going to home group and sobbing all the way there shouting at God and then sat on my friends sofa and sobbed for 3 hours straight.

That put me off going to the Dr’s again.

About September 2015 I got the courage to go to my GP again (totally saw a different one, avoided that one like the plague since) after being bugged by a few friends and psyching myself up and explained everything and since they had all my gynae history (there is a heck of a lot for a 28 year old now) she referred me straight away.

That was a strange time, I felt it was too easy and there was no challenges or uber awkward questions like “how often do you have sex and is it always with your husband?” or “how many times do you scratch your back with a porcupine after sex?” and all that jazz… it was simple, too simple and she was absolutely lovely!

This kinda lead me on a flipping heck this is real situation and I really, REALLY struggled with the fact we were seeking fertility treatment. The appointment came through mega fast like within 3 months and that’s when we walked through the doors of our local centre of reproductive medicine (CRM).

The forms, the 85 million forms you have to fill in! You kinda loose the will to live whilst filling in the forms and you even end up questioning who you are, what is your occupation and why are you there and how many partners do you have? You are so certain of your identity when you walk in and searching for it when you walk out.

We had the appointment, paid a stupid amount of money for a blood test that was to indicate my fertility and leave me with some beautiful bruises to remember the nurse by and also found out in my husband’s word’s that his sperm is capable of winning a few golds in the Olympics.

So that is where our journey began and I am currently on…numerous blood tests- 5 internal scans- 1 outpatient hysteroscopy and biopsy- 1 inpatient hysteroscopy under GA with a D&C, biopsies and polyps removed- 1 biopsy in a clinic and 3 CRM appointments

All in the past 8 months or so.

I have also gone a little bit stir crazy and struggled and spent some days crying the whole day and other time hysterically laughed for no reason along with not getting out of bed or opening the curtains!

There we go, there’s a little insight into a rough copy of what’s gone on and our journey!

At the end of the day, if all else fails just remember… Oprah will still have no idea who I am!!