You deserve to be Okay

Sometimes in life it is the simple things that we need, and we need to literally strip it all back and start from the beginning. I think one of the main issues can be that at times identifying that beginning can be the tough part and remembering who and what you were before the context and struggles of life kicked in, and for me anything nature based does that and I have a massive love affair with the woods and trees and animals and so the time I spent at Center Parcs with my family was perfect for that. The only missing thing was my husband! no-wifi

Center Parcs was such a lovely time and we were visited by ducks, squirrels, different little birds and a particular visitor was a little robin, greedy pigeons and also deer. It was just such a beautiful place and a lovely time!

I am not going to lie, things have been really tough since I got back with regards to this endometriosis flare. It isn’t calming down at all and some days it is really bad in which I have to use morphine to try and gain control over the pain but then some days are not as bad as others. Its just a take it at a day thing which is really frustrating.  It has meant that I’ve had to stay at home as much as possible as I just become exhausted pretty quickly and one simple task can take me out and leave me crying the next day but hopefully tomorrow will be a massive help as its the next dreaded appointment! ARGH… I am absolutely dreading it so much its unreal!

bad-hiding
If I am needed, please locate your nearest box and have a look!

I just don’t have good feelings about it all and I was saying to my mum that I don’t really trust our local hospital (despite actually used to working in it). I don’t feel they give me all the information and I just get bad vibes about it.

I personally like to be prepared and so in preparation I know the best NHS fertility clinic in the UK now, I have a quote for treatment from both Spain and Sweden (with regards to Sweden, I’m thinking if Ikea is good for everything and they are Swedish then surely treatment would be good too!! Spain just makes me think of sangria and who doesn’t love sangria) and I have also found the best private UK clinic. So I feel a little prepared as I also have like 10 questions written down… he is gonna hate me tomorrow!!

That Swedish clinic also does womb transplants… learn something new every day!

This process though, this fertility malarkey is a strange one really. Some days you feel you’ve got it sorted, other days you feel nothing in your life is ever going to be sorted and some days its just like… meh! I mean all these infertility feelings are ultimately all surrounded by and are basically a basis for fear but above all the fear of the unknown but regardless of it all that is a bridge you have to cross and a barrier you may have to find yourself going into full warrior mode to break through.

At the moment I totally can’t be bothered to do warrior mode, I barely have enough energy to clean my teeth (OK, maybe a bit OTT but you get the picture!)on-the-other-side-of-fear-3 Imagine if one day you woke up one day and the world wasn’t as you knew it and there was this dude in a dress and sandals (hopefully without socks) who claimed to be God and he was like right ok, so you can have everything you want and everything you have been praying for (and then he reels off a massive list) but in order to get there you are going to have to climb the biggest mountains, cross the scariest of bridges and then you have to tackle the biggest of spiders (ARGH… like serious ARGH)! I would do it minus the end bit… don’t get me started on them, I won’t sleep for a week!! Would you do it? Raw honesty?

The best thing about it all, is that for me… it is scary, it is covered in fear and at times it does seem impossible but the one thing I’ve got to remember is that God has promised me good things, he has promised me so much and he promises you so much too but he doesn’t put all those restrictions and terms on his promises. He won’t make you climb to the highest of mountains, cross the less ropiest rope bridge and tackle the things you are most scared of, for him then to be like ah right ok… you’ve done it, here’s your expensive house, car, designer dog, perfect husband, 10 million pound bank account and in my case your child. He doesn’t do that, he isn’t about jumping hoops because to be totally honest, if we have to jump through a hoop it needs to be big enough for both him and me because he walks with me, he talks with me, he cries with me and above all he wants the best for me.

Does knowing all this make it any easier? Hell no, if anything it makes it harder but the journey and he is worth it, even if I’m totally honest and at times convince myself and tell him that he is not, he is not worth it and I do not care about what he thinks because this is what I want and I want it soon so you better start doing something! God isn’t a safe option, but he is a good option! safe-mr-beaver

It’s tough, its a constant battle of the emotions, of the mind, of the heart and of the soul.

God knows the desires of my heart and he knows what I want more then anything, I want my boys and then my little girl. Will all this work out, will I get them? I don’t know but I at the moment would do anything to have them but I am also learning to treasure the moments without them. The moments it is just me, Mr and the fluffy bunny (who is poorly and needs to be syringe fed and cost us a hefty amount at the vets last night but should be back to his cheeky self in no time!)

I just had enough recently, enough of feeling so ill with this flare, enough of being in a situation where I don’t feel we achieve enough and enough of just being a boring household and so was trying to entice Mr into agreeing to do something crazy but he didn’t buy any of my ideas which were:

  • Become world travelling seafaring pirates
  • Opening up an orphanage in Kenya
  • Building a tree house and jungle retreat in Borneo
  • Back packing around Australia, New Zealand and Asia chasing the sunset
  • Building a bridge to the moon

As you could most probably guess they all got a firm no!

 

Although he did agree to going to the beach on Saturday (baring in mind it is FREEZING, nearly November and we live in one of the most land locked destinations in the UK) I feel I have committed now and so we need to do it! Who doesn’t love a wintery beach?? I just pray it won’t be windy haha!!

So that’s pretty much me at the moment. We will get there and things will be ok, its just the ups and downs and pain and all that jazz but here is a word of advice from a bunny in a mug of tea (DISCLAIMER- Bunnies should never be allowed to relax in a mug of tea!!!)deserve-to-be-ok

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be okay and just remember that tough times come and go but everyone gets there in the end and you can totally do what ever you need to do and if you feel you can’t and you never will… then here’s a picture of a bear for you to look at enjoying his lovely flower!

bear-with-a-flower

 

“… the carousel never stops turning.”

Sometimes all you can do is breathe and just keep breathing because you don’t have the energy to do anything else. Sometimes though the most vital thing you can do (breathe) is also one of the most painful things you can do and it just takes all your focus and all of your energy.only-breatheThat was the situation I found myself in on Monday. It’s amazing how one day when you think you are in so much pain and discomfort another day comes along to assure you that was nothing compared to now. In my last post (and she laughed… oh she laughed!) I said that I had been to the hospital due to the bleeding not subsiding and the pain. Well little did I know, that pain would just be cramps in comparison.

On Sunday I felt absolutely awful and had to stay in bed all day and watched movies. Towards the evening I migrated to the sofa and Mr put on one of my favourite musicals (cats) but apparently I slept pretty much all through it. The pain was starting to become unbearable and so I went in the bath which helped a little and then afterwards used my TENS machine. That night was awful and I resulted to using my emergency stash of oramorph.dog

Monday came and I messaged the girls to say I couldn’t go in that day but my word, I thought my insides were trying to consume themselves and it was painful, everything I did hurt so so much, even breathing. My stomach and pelvis was so so painful I didn’t know what to do. Called the GP and got an appointment an hour and a half later once I explained what the issue was and I was in the room for about 20 minutes whilst she figured out what to do and then I heard the words I didn’t want to hear… “You need to go to A&E asap”. Great!!

I called one of my very lovely friends and she said she’d take me and she sat with me pretty much throughout it all. She was absolutely fantastic. I was going stir crazy and a bit delirious with it all but she stuck with me, tried to master the art of distraction and wouldn’t take any of my nonsense. She rubbed my back, she made me laugh and she encouraged me!you-got-this

She was absolutely amazing… you see friends like these are special and they are to be treasured. This friend has seen me at my worse and seen me at my best and she’s still not ran away, we just laugh about the situation at a later date!!

real-friend

Anyway to cut a long story short, I was sent home with a shed load of medications to be taking (like 23 a day) to try and control the pain and also stop the bleeding as it should have stopped totally by now and yeah so that’s been me!

I have so little energy it’s ridiculous, I’ve pretty much spent the past 2 days in bed watching movies and I got into trouble for hoovering the lounge and hall last night whilst Mr was in the bath because I wanted to prove to myself I was being a baby- after hoovering, I don’t think I am! The pain has eased thanks to the medications but in no way has it gone and the nausea is making itself at home.

I totally have to talk myself in to everything!

bathe

Here is a confession… I have had so little energy that I am still in the cookie monster PJ’s that I put on on Monday night and my hair is in a desperate need of being washed especially as its curly and goes frizzy that I share the same style as this…

fuzzy-cat

 

My parents, brother and his dog along with another couple are at a place called Center Parcs at the moment, for those who don’t know what it is, its like a holiday park in the woods/forest and I think there are 5 or 6 in the UK and they are just wonderful, beautiful, relaxing places to be with onsite restaurants, swimming facilities, spa and activity centre and of course the woods. It is an absolutely lovely place to be and so my brother is going to drive down tomorrow to collect me as he thinks that will be easier and take me there so that I can get some proper r&r in place!  Also thinking the hot whirlpools are going to be an absolute God send for my pelvic and stomach pain which is showing no sign of going!

He actually sent me this photo from inside the cabin looking out… he said they have had visits from deer, rabbits, squirrels, geese and ducks! cp

Ah I can’t wait to be there, although I can’t really do much and it’s even to the point that Mr is going to have to help me pack but hopefully it will be the perfect environment for me to relax and recover properly also I am a proper sucker for nature and the woods and animals and all that jazz!

So that’s me really, that is what’s been happening and it absolutely sucks!

Guess I have to take it all one day at a time but also need to remember to treasure relationships and the little things as one day we will look back and see that it was those people who got you through the day, in one part and breathing no matter how painful it is.

My friend got me through Monday, she gave me a reason to smile at times when I thought I was going to cry and comforted me when I started getting a bit distressed but also she put up with my crazy ways and kept encouraging me saying that I can do this and that I’ve got it. 

My husband has been amazing, he did the shopping, put up with me being so poorly, went to the hospital to collect my medication and pops to the shops for anything that I need. 

My family have been a great support. My mum (aka my personal stalker) has been checking in on me all the time via text or Facebook messenger and my brother has been doing the same and he is also coming to collect me so that I can have some proper time out to recover.

The girls I work closely with have been a great support sending me well wishes and letting me know if I have missed anything important and have also put up with me the past few weeks whilst I’ve been poorly.

My church family have been supportive with get well messages and just general well wishes and offers of help.

In times like this, you realise that although you may feel rubbish and uber poorly and everything that comes with it, that there are people who would do anything to make you better and those people are the ones who you need to truly treasure.

At the moment, for me life sucks. This endometriosis is getting worse and I feel so ill but though it all and through the pain, I do have a reason to smile (doesn’t mean I will) because I have something that money can’t buy… true, authentic, real, loving relationships and for that I am truly blessed and although things get tough and you want to jump off the carousel of life, you can’t and in those times you need to cling to those relationships.

never-stops-turning

and she laughed- oh she laughed!

need-timeThis just perfectly sums up how I am feeling.

I’m finding things tough, so very, very tough and I am so fed up but I have no idea how to get myself back to a place where I feel in control.

I’m tired and just feel internally fidgety like something is itching but I don’t know what, something is going on… life is a bit heavy at the moment and we are getting closer and closer to our next appointment that never fills my soul with hope! I totally don’t like that place.

I just feel like I need to step off the world, regroup, clear my head and then step back on and carry on!

It isn’t a surprise to those that know me, how I’ve been feeling quite sick and poorly lately for about the past 3 weeks and things aren’t improving at all, if anything they are getting worse which at times makes me throw a pity party for one! Today things have got much worse and we ended up in gynae A&E for about 3 and a half hours. I mean we are so lucky and fortunate to have the NHS and the fact that I could go and book myself in, see a nurse, see a doctor who also discussed my case with a consultant, have bloods taken and put through as urgent and leave with pain meds as they couldn’t do anything else and not have to outwardly pay a penny for that service- incredible!

The not so incredible thing is the journey we are on. My GP stated when I last spoke to her on Thursday that if these new meds don’t work for my bleeding then we are in specialist territory and it is much out of their depth but the doctors are going to have to have a real think about how I am managed in the long term. Nothing seems to be easing and my bleeding and pain was much worse today and my friend advised me that they should be working by now and so that when I decided to take a trip to the hospital.

The doctor at the hospital stated that their hands are tied until I am seen in the clinic for my next appointment and it is basically just riding it out, taking pain meds, resting (not really an amazing option at the moment with so much academic work to do) and taking the tranexamic acid to try and stop the bleeding. He was like the only way we can really solve this and hopefully help is to make you pregnant asap because that’s the only way I can see helping you and stopping the bleeding and pelvic pain as we can’t keep doing D&C’s as you’ve had 3 already… IF ONLY IT WAS SO FRIGGING EASY!!

So that was that, yet alone they don’t know what they can realistically do and I am just praying that we get a real solution at the next appointment.

I kinda have this phrase with my friends that when it gets a bit too bad and I can’t cope I inform them that I don’t want to adult anymore and I simply don’t feel like I can adult… but at the moment its gone one step further… bunny-adulting

Being a bunny would be so much easier… I LOVE bunnies!! We actually have an adorable fluffy house rabbit and he is just awesome, he thinks he is a dog but he is adorable and oh so very cute!

Things are tough, things are flipping tough and I just don’t have the energy. It just seems that things are constantly coming up to remind me of my journey and the road we are on and just when things seem to be ok within me, I get shaken. We were informed last weekend that 2 couples we know and one we are good friends with are expecting babies and its bloody tough, I would say it reminds you- but it’s more like a stabbing that they have got the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it hurts, my God does it hurt!  I sat there with one couple with tears streaming down my face trying to convince them that I was happy for them. I am so happy for them but oh so very sad for us!

I just don’t know what to do with myself, don’t know what to say and don’t know what to do… I hate times like this, I just feel like I need to escape to a beautiful place, where I feel I can breathe and just be like “Right, OK God… let’s get some things sorted” and just enjoy nature and listen and take it all in!

bunny-signal

I need my stars more than ever at the moment, I need to know it’s all going to be ok and I need my body to work and do what it is supposed to flipping do.

do-your-job

I think I also feel more crap as I was supposed to be out with a friend tonight and was planning on consuming various amounts of gin, prosecco and anything else going with dark chocolate, giggles and hilarious conversation but today I’ve cried, hugged the toilet as thought I was gonna be sick, flooded in my fav pj’s, sat in a hospital for a few hours whilst going through research articles with a highlighter, had an internal by a man I barely know in scrubs (don’t know him out of scrubs either) and taken as much medication as it is safe for me to do so and still feeling absolutely shocking!

Today is one of those days (it’s been a few weeks actually) where I feel like sticking my middle finger up to the frigging world and telling it where to go and also wondering why all this shitty stuff isn’t ending!

All I want is a functioning womb

All I want is a baby

All I want is to forget everything

All I want it to feel like the real, old me, someone I can identify with because I feel a part of me has gone, a part of who I used to be… this journey has changed me, it’s shaped me and I want to go back to the whole worrying about trivial stuff, not having huge decisions hanging over me and also being a crazy, carefree individual.

I want to run around like a mad head, I want to dream with no limitations, I want to sit on the hill with my best friend and talk about how when we both meet our forever partners we will have kids and they will be close in age and we will bring them up to be best friends too and we will be each others God mothers for the children and that it is going to be so much fun, not sit on the sofa with her saying I how much I love my husband and I’m so glad I found him but I don’t know if I can have children and all the worries surrounding that.

I want to be me, I want to have a reason to honestly smile without a very raw reason to not smile but smile anyway to hold back the tears.

I hated who I used to be, but now I miss her!

pain-changed-me

She was full of life, she was undemanding, she was a dreamer, she didn’t really have many fears and it was rare to shed a tear, she thought the world was her oyster, she never questioned God’s plans over her life and she laughed- oh she laughed!

she-lost-herself