You deserve to be Okay

Sometimes in life it is the simple things that we need, and we need to literally strip it all back and start from the beginning. I think one of the main issues can be that at times identifying that beginning can be the tough part and remembering who and what you were before the context and struggles of life kicked in, and for me anything nature based does that and I have a massive love affair with the woods and trees and animals and so the time I spent at Center Parcs with my family was perfect for that. The only missing thing was my husband! no-wifi

Center Parcs was such a lovely time and we were visited by ducks, squirrels, different little birds and a particular visitor was a little robin, greedy pigeons and also deer. It was just such a beautiful place and a lovely time!

I am not going to lie, things have been really tough since I got back with regards to this endometriosis flare. It isn’t calming down at all and some days it is really bad in which I have to use morphine to try and gain control over the pain but then some days are not as bad as others. Its just a take it at a day thing which is really frustrating.  It has meant that I’ve had to stay at home as much as possible as I just become exhausted pretty quickly and one simple task can take me out and leave me crying the next day but hopefully tomorrow will be a massive help as its the next dreaded appointment! ARGH… I am absolutely dreading it so much its unreal!

bad-hiding
If I am needed, please locate your nearest box and have a look!

I just don’t have good feelings about it all and I was saying to my mum that I don’t really trust our local hospital (despite actually used to working in it). I don’t feel they give me all the information and I just get bad vibes about it.

I personally like to be prepared and so in preparation I know the best NHS fertility clinic in the UK now, I have a quote for treatment from both Spain and Sweden (with regards to Sweden, I’m thinking if Ikea is good for everything and they are Swedish then surely treatment would be good too!! Spain just makes me think of sangria and who doesn’t love sangria) and I have also found the best private UK clinic. So I feel a little prepared as I also have like 10 questions written down… he is gonna hate me tomorrow!!

That Swedish clinic also does womb transplants… learn something new every day!

This process though, this fertility malarkey is a strange one really. Some days you feel you’ve got it sorted, other days you feel nothing in your life is ever going to be sorted and some days its just like… meh! I mean all these infertility feelings are ultimately all surrounded by and are basically a basis for fear but above all the fear of the unknown but regardless of it all that is a bridge you have to cross and a barrier you may have to find yourself going into full warrior mode to break through.

At the moment I totally can’t be bothered to do warrior mode, I barely have enough energy to clean my teeth (OK, maybe a bit OTT but you get the picture!)on-the-other-side-of-fear-3 Imagine if one day you woke up one day and the world wasn’t as you knew it and there was this dude in a dress and sandals (hopefully without socks) who claimed to be God and he was like right ok, so you can have everything you want and everything you have been praying for (and then he reels off a massive list) but in order to get there you are going to have to climb the biggest mountains, cross the scariest of bridges and then you have to tackle the biggest of spiders (ARGH… like serious ARGH)! I would do it minus the end bit… don’t get me started on them, I won’t sleep for a week!! Would you do it? Raw honesty?

The best thing about it all, is that for me… it is scary, it is covered in fear and at times it does seem impossible but the one thing I’ve got to remember is that God has promised me good things, he has promised me so much and he promises you so much too but he doesn’t put all those restrictions and terms on his promises. He won’t make you climb to the highest of mountains, cross the less ropiest rope bridge and tackle the things you are most scared of, for him then to be like ah right ok… you’ve done it, here’s your expensive house, car, designer dog, perfect husband, 10 million pound bank account and in my case your child. He doesn’t do that, he isn’t about jumping hoops because to be totally honest, if we have to jump through a hoop it needs to be big enough for both him and me because he walks with me, he talks with me, he cries with me and above all he wants the best for me.

Does knowing all this make it any easier? Hell no, if anything it makes it harder but the journey and he is worth it, even if I’m totally honest and at times convince myself and tell him that he is not, he is not worth it and I do not care about what he thinks because this is what I want and I want it soon so you better start doing something! God isn’t a safe option, but he is a good option! safe-mr-beaver

It’s tough, its a constant battle of the emotions, of the mind, of the heart and of the soul.

God knows the desires of my heart and he knows what I want more then anything, I want my boys and then my little girl. Will all this work out, will I get them? I don’t know but I at the moment would do anything to have them but I am also learning to treasure the moments without them. The moments it is just me, Mr and the fluffy bunny (who is poorly and needs to be syringe fed and cost us a hefty amount at the vets last night but should be back to his cheeky self in no time!)

I just had enough recently, enough of feeling so ill with this flare, enough of being in a situation where I don’t feel we achieve enough and enough of just being a boring household and so was trying to entice Mr into agreeing to do something crazy but he didn’t buy any of my ideas which were:

  • Become world travelling seafaring pirates
  • Opening up an orphanage in Kenya
  • Building a tree house and jungle retreat in Borneo
  • Back packing around Australia, New Zealand and Asia chasing the sunset
  • Building a bridge to the moon

As you could most probably guess they all got a firm no!

 

Although he did agree to going to the beach on Saturday (baring in mind it is FREEZING, nearly November and we live in one of the most land locked destinations in the UK) I feel I have committed now and so we need to do it! Who doesn’t love a wintery beach?? I just pray it won’t be windy haha!!

So that’s pretty much me at the moment. We will get there and things will be ok, its just the ups and downs and pain and all that jazz but here is a word of advice from a bunny in a mug of tea (DISCLAIMER- Bunnies should never be allowed to relax in a mug of tea!!!)deserve-to-be-ok

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be okay and just remember that tough times come and go but everyone gets there in the end and you can totally do what ever you need to do and if you feel you can’t and you never will… then here’s a picture of a bear for you to look at enjoying his lovely flower!

bear-with-a-flower

 

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Wiggle room

So I just spent the past 30 mins reading all different post’s on what is good to eat and what’s not and also the superfood’s and all that jazz and I am happy to report I think they are satisfactory and I’m happy with what they class as superfoods but to be honest, I do sit her wondering to myself why the fudge I do it to myself (just for the record fudge isn’t included!!) I actually don’t know why I’m writing this today as I had an office day to get some paperwork done but also introduced myself to my new workplace (those that were in) as I start a new little adventure in a few weeks and so spent pretty much the whole day looking at a screen and then come home and do the same before heading out tonight!

My new job is a little bit strange really, it’s a total God thing but to be fair I don’t understand why I’m doing it. The job in which it is for has been in the forefront of my mind for a while but I didn’t expect to actually do it.

I had a plan, I was going to stay in my previous job until I had a baby and then I was going to hand my notice in whilst I was on maternity and try and work elsewhere and continue being part time but was thinking of being more part time then I was so like 2 days a week or something like that.

To cut a long story short (can’t be bothered to type it all up) I got a new job, which I didn’t even know was being advertised for and it was someone else who wanted to chat to me about applying who mentioned it and I just felt a little interested and so applied too. Please don’t think I went into mega ninja stealth mode and applied behind their back, I did ask them if they were OK for me to apply too and in the end I got it and they didn’t even get an interview which believe me is MEGA AWKWARD but then I also got this position which means that I get a high qualification and have a pretty good road mapped out ahead for me career wise BUT that was never my plan!!

I was happy to stay somewhere I was unhappy with, where I had more boring days then happy days and also a job in which I dreaded come Sunday evening because in my crazy head I knew it was worth holding onto until I fell pregnant due to the maternity benefits and plus it was only 3 days a week.

So I’ve gone into this new job- oh it is also full time and then my newest job coming up is going to be extremely hard core and intensive for the next year, fab and then let’s chuck in all this fertility treatment stuff which is also mega stressful and you have a perfect concoction that leaves me thinking WHY??!!??

Why have I been lead on the path I am embarking on now??

I like to be planned and organised as much as possible and I always had this idea in my head that when I fell pregnant I would be able to focus on the pregnancy as much as possible, mark and celebrate all the little milestones, take lighter duties at work and then once the baby was born I would be able to spend as much time as possible with the child, go back to work maybe 2 days a week and put them in minimal day care and then be this baking, home cooked, organic, eco mother warrior galore!

Ah how that makes me laugh a little now but also feel a little bit sad as I know the reality will be far from that!!

My reality now is that I won’t be able to focus on the pregnancy as much when it happens because at the moment for that year my career is going to need to take priority to an extent and I am also going to need to work pretty much full time to establish my career so that I can make a better future for us all.

This all became even more of a realistic thing this morning when I got out the car and realised I had some white dried on substance (of the dairy/soya/coconut kind) on my black jeans when I got out the car and was like searching crazy for some wet wipes to wipe it off with. In my head I was like “ha, you wait until that is baby sick, snot or dried milk and your gonna need to do the sniff test to discover what it is- this is a glimpse of a working mum

Then it was even more of a snippet as I went to work absolutely shattered giving the fact that the kitten we are looking after kept waking me up in the night to from what I could gather have a frigging chat and play and so I had this teeny thing stealing my sleep just like a baby would and then I locked the cat in the hall after 4 hours of being woken every 25 mins, unlike what I would do to a baby!! To make it even more realistic- the husband didn’t hear the kitten and I am being told this also happens when I baby comes onto the scene!!

Right there and then, I had a snippet of my future!!

I then spent the rest of the day thinking about gin!! Seriously, the thought of gin and the weekend has got me through today!

Plans are great in theory, unless you are totally about them being set in stone and NEVER changing then maybe you should think about if plans are for you.

I personally have had to learn that any plans I make have an 80% chance of changing and I used to find this really annoying and frustrating at the beginning. I used to have a mental and heart hissy fit where I would be like THIS IS NOT CHANGING I MADE A PLAN!!!! But when things are taken out of your control you learn you don’t have a choice.

There was quite a period of time when I was extremely sick within the past 5 years when I couldn’t make a plan, the only think I could count on was that the sun was going to come up the next day and those stars were going to eventually twinkle in the night sky.

In making plans, usually the first thing you plan on doing that morning is waking up and getting up- I couldn’t even plan that, I could not tell you from one day to the other if I would be able to physically get out of bed. Sounds extreme I know, but that was my reality.When that happens you have to learn that plans can change, that was a season in my life when I made no plans what so ever but it is also a season in which God sustained me and I can confidently say that I have come through that season and I am a million miles from that season but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a flare up and be back there again but we are trusting God that season is over.

Sometimes knowing you can’t really do anything to change the situation does not help in the slightest and that’s when frustration sets in and also when the human mind as such takes over. This whole journey we are on as a married couple, always being asked when we are going to have kids is tough and I have struggled immensely and some days are so, so tough to put one foot in front of the other and I just want a time machine to go forward 5 years and see if the heart ache, the brokenness, the faith battle is actually going to be worth it.profound worship

Some days the plans that I made are so, so far from reality and what I can see happening that I just don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing, Why I’m doing it and when I am going to stop doing it… I literally just don’t know what to do or how to do it and in those days you just merely exist rather than live.

Those are some of the most frustrating times and at home I am not a joy to be around because I am as sharp and as grumpy as can be and the majority of time my sarcastic side comes out to battle, and oh what a battle she conducts! cant deicde

I am so glad that I am in a place where I can now make and the majority of the time stick to the plans with a bit of wiggle room. Wiggle room can be joyous and I have learned to love wiggle room because some times it turns out better than anticipated and the original plans! I Just need to remind myself of that often.

I am blessed enough to be having plans that I am really looking forward to, a little get away with the husband, dinners out with friends, attending weddings but above all… getting a bottle of gin after work tomorrow as its payday (please don’t judge me, it will last me over a month) Woooooooo!!!